Aussie Treats

So one of my cubicle mates went to Australia last week. When he came back, he brought back some candy to share with us. One of them was some Macadamia Nut clusters and the other was some Maltesers (which is kinda like whoppers). But the Macadamia Nut candy had a red and gold package and I happened to have something that was in a gold "package" as well. So logic tells me to slip this gold "package" in there so a lucky person gets the special surprise.

This morning "Mr. Clean" decided to grab a Macadamia Nut cluster since he saw me eating one. He reached into the bag and got the "package". He held it in the air and said "Is this a condom?"

And I said "No, it's Australian candy. And It's delicious!!!!"

And here comes "Ms. America" and she sees Mr. Clean holding something up and I said it was delicious. So Mr. Clean hands it to her and says to try it. Hahahaha. She's holding it in her hand asking what it is. And after about 2 seconds, she realizes what it is and tries to
dispose of it as fast as she can.

I only wish someone from upper management passed by at that very moment. Hahahahaha.

Kobe’s Defense:

Guys can wear the same pair of pants day after day…its well known that guys get dirty and they’re not into cleanliness all that much. Then in comes the Metro sexual, they have hang-ups when it comes to cleanliness and hygiene. Now granted I play sports but I’m really self conscious about my smells especially if I go a whole day sitting on my ass in the same spot for 8 hours. If you don’t think stuff oozes out your body and in which your clothes happen to absorb it then you need to check out discovery channel or something.

Now why do we change shirts? Could this be because they are closer to our nose area where we can smell them? Or is it because it’s more visible to others when we make eye contact and have conversations? Hmmmmmmmm, I think both. Now pants on the other hand are low away from vision and smell but it’s an area that involves a lot of movement and quite frankly people’s junk. Granted you have underwear on but its cotton not a sham wow so some stuff makes it way to the pants.

Terry Funk may not represent the before mentioned but boys and girls the same pants for almost a week shows me a lot about that persons hygiene. If you have a job buy clothes and do laundry but if you don’t care about appearance or our senses then you won’t be offended here. So next time your shnoz picks up some smell in the air that doesn’t smell like food but causes you to say ew. It may be you or it may be the coworkers who wear the same thing everyday. Lets not be lazy, but I’m beginning to understand Howie Mandell or any germ-a-phobe out there. PS cologne will not hide the smell either so don’t shower in it.

Divine Intervention

So I was walking to the lunch room to grab some milk for my cereal when I ran into someone. It was a "fine wine". I opened the door and she was standing right there. It was like God meant for this to happen. Thank you God. I walked through and held the door open for her. I just smiled and didn't say a word. And as she passed under the doorway she stopped dead in her tracks and started laughing. She then turned around to look at me, still laughing, and I was still smiling and she tried to utter some words in between her laughs.

"You know.....your costume....for Halloween...." And she placed her hand on my shoulder. It felt like heaven. Her touch was soft and delicate and I can only imagine how that hand would feel if she touched me somewhere else. "...it was DIVINE!" And she said all this in between her laughs. And I laughed too as she finished that little sentence that was so hard for her to utter out.

"Why, thank you!" I said after I laughed.

Oh, and by the way, I dressed as Jesus Christ on Halloween, for those of you who didn't understand the reference(s) above.

I turned around and headed to the lunch room and almost forgot the reason I went there in the first place. This totally made my day. As little as it was, it left a lasting impression on me. The "fine wine" is a total sweetheart and that makes me in love with her even more.

I didn't think she even knew I existed but now I might have to make some visits to go see her and chit chat.

Guerilla Tactics

"Quasimodo" likes to go around the building and just collect empty cans off of people's desks. Well, he made a stop at the desk of "Mr. Anger Management" and grabbed the energy drink from his desk. He grabbed it from the top, with his fingers around the opening of the can. Thing is, Mr. Anger Management was not finished with his drink and Quasimodo just touched his drink with his dirty, grimy fingers.

You have no idea how pissed Mr. Anger Management was. His drink was pretty much full but after Quasimodo touched the rim of his drink, he refused to even touch it. He tossed a nearly full energy drink in the trash. And Mr. Anger Management lives off of energy drinks, since he works two jobs and needs it to help stay awake. Now he was running on Anger. Hahahahaha.

This happened a few months ago and a lot of people leave their empty cans/bottle on the side of their desk for Quasimodo to come and pick up. And in protest of Quasimodo touching his drink, Mr. Anger Management has decided to throw every empty can/bottle that he sees in to a trash can. So that way Quasimodo has to dig through trash in order to find his gold.

And in protest to Mr. Anger Management's guerilla tactics, I have decided that every empty can/bottle I see, I go and place it on Mr. Anger Management's desk every day after he leaves. Muahahahahaha.

Understatement

Kobe and John Stockton were having a discussion.

Kobe: Oahu is an island.

John Stockton: I'll f*ck an island!!!

The End.

Same Shiite, Different Toilet

So "Kobe" happened to notice that "Terry Funk" had been rockin' the same pair of jeans for the past 4 days and he began to complain to me about it. It was on a Thurs and then Fri...and then Mon and Tues came around it was still the same pair. That's not odd to me. Terry Funk could have done laundry over the weekend and decided to wear the same pair again. I've worn jeans two days in a row so it was no big deal to me.

So we decided to ask for a female perspective about the jeans situation. And the verdict was: No big deal.

It was still trippin' out Kobe so we decided to ask a few more people. And the verdict was: same thing, no big deal.

I mean, we sit down on a chair all day. You can't get THAT dirty from just sitting down. If you happened to go running in those jeans and wore them again the next day, I'd think it was a problem. When you start sweating profusely, there's gonna be some funk that comes along with that so that's when it would be wise to change.

I mean, we still don't know the reason Terry Funk is rockin' the same pair for how many days in a row now. Maybe Terry Funk hooked up with some chick and never made it back to their place so they have to rock the same jeans and they happen to have an extra shirt in their car for emergency purposes. Or maybe they do laundry everyday?

Verdict: Kobe has a case of Mysophobia.

Peace!

I went down to the lunch room to grab some ice and as I turned the corner, I saw some guy who likes to talk to me for some reason. He talks to me like he knows me. Like we're best friends. I don't even know the dude's name. Heck, I don't even like seeing him.

But when I turned the corner he was like 2 feet away from me. And then he decides to throw up the peace sign. Not like chuckin' up the deuces where your 2 fingers are pointed to the side. This was the peace sign that Asian tourists do in every picture. Dude....if you're that close to me, hit me with the pound or something. Peace signs are for when you see someone you know and they're like 50 yards away.

Skate Or Die

As I was leaving the office the other day, I saw some dude skating down the hill. I thought to myself "This fool is going super fast. How crazy would it be if he ate it right now...." And as he's crossing the stoplight, he looks over his shoulder for oncoming cars because he was skating in the street. I guess he noticed a few cars coming along so he decided to hop onto the sidewalk.

And as soon as I see him making his way to the sideway, all of sudden I didn't see him anymore. The next thing I saw was a bunch of leaves fly in the air and a pair of feet sticking out of some bushes. And I saw his board sliding about 100 yards away from him.

I wanted to laugh because I imagined this very scenario happening in my head but I couldn't do it until I saw him get up. I wanted to make sure he wasn't seriously hurt cuz it would be bad if he never got up and I was cracking up.

I eventually saw him get up and I eventually laughed.

Camel Burri(toe)

From my peripheral vision, I saw someone eating a burrito. They took a big bite out of it and chewed loudly. I could hear the saliva mixing in with the bits and pieces of food being mashed together to form a pasty substance. From the sounds of it, that burrito was delicious. I can't really smell anything because I'm sick but it looked like it was really good.

In that open spot where they took a big bite, salsa was being added to the mix. Too much salsa was poured in and it started to trickle down the side of the burrito. The salsa was dripping slowly and making it's way to the owner's hand. And mere seconds before the salsa could make contact with skin, I saw the burrito get pulled in close to the mouth and a tongue dart out just in time. This person licked from the base of the burrito all way to the end. And once they reached the tip, they englufed that delicious goodness in their entire mouth. Another big bite and I couldn't help but laugh.

I could tell that it's not only burritos that they use this technique on. Their form was very refined and on point. Oh man, I wish I didn't see that...

Pull Out!

"Mr. Whispers" was telling us about his weekend Vegas trip and I wasn't really paying attention because he's kinda religious and doesn't do any crazy stuff. But he was telling the other guys in our cube some story and then he said something like "Man, I shoulda pulled out...." and that got my attention right away.

My ears perked up and my eyes got big and I now became engaged in this conversation. Those magic words got me interested. I didn't think Mr. Whispers would do anything crazy...but I guess I was wrong.

So I said to him "Dude.....always pull out. ALWAYS!"

And "The Indian Chief" turns around, and as he was laughing, he says "Every time you don't pull out, you end up losing money. A lot of money."

"Yeah, you gotta pull out early. No matter what the situation is. Just learn to pull out. That's what guys don't know how to do..."

"You can't enjoy the whole ride."

Mr. Whispers continued with his story. He was talking about gambling at the blackjack table and we were talking about something else. I don't think he noticed. Muahahahahahahaha.

The Resident MILF

I was walking to the lunch room to go wash my cereal bowl when I ran into The Resident MILF. I was staring directly at her, as we made our way closer to one another, and she made eye contact with me. It was like love at first sight. Our eyes met and I smiled. She smiled back. And right as our shoulders passed, she stopped and said "Hey...."

My heart stopped at the sound of this. Had my dreams come true? Was she gonna ask me to join her in the copy room?

"...I saw the pictures from the basketball tournament."

I blushed and said "Oh wow. Hahahaha. It was a good time."

"I liked your guys' uniforms. Was that your idea?"

"Yeah....I figured none of us were really that good in basketball so if weren't gonna win it all...we might as well as look good! Style points!"

"Hahahahaha. I love that. Good for you guys."

Well, we went on with our conversation about basketball and I mentioned that I wanted her on my team. She laughed at this and said she didn't really play. Perfect. We just gotta look good then. And she already has that part down.

Our conversation probably only last 5 minutes but to me it felt like an eternity. We parted ways and I watched her walk away. I loved the way her hips swayed side to side when she walked. It was like her hips were telling me to follow her....

Stealth Mode

Over the course of a week and a half, I printed out a novel that I had on PDF. This book was 339 pages long and I printed out 30 pages at a time. I didn't want to be THAT GUY that hogs the printer so I did it in small chunks.

Today I was reading that novel and "The Thing" comes by and starts asking me about it. So I'm telling him about it and what not and he asks me if I have the PDF with me. I should have said no but I wasn't thinking properly and said yeah. So I gave him a copy and I thought he was just gonna read it on his comp. Boy, was I wrong.

After about 5 minutes, I heard the printer go off. And it kept running. For about 20 minutes. Other people had actual work to print out and here is this guy printing out 339 pages. And I happen to sit next to the printer. And everyone who needs to print something is looking at me like I was the one who printed this.

Eff that guy. He set me up. Now imma take the heat for that....

Not Quite Shorts, Not Quite Pants

So during the company softball tournament, there was one cat who stood out from the rest. Pretty much everyone on our team was in their early or mid 20's so we we're all pretty young and hip and up to date with fashion and proper public attire and what not. But I guess this cat didn't get the memo.

You know how old people don't know how to dress and they wear clothes that don't really fit them that well? Have you ever seen old people wear pants that rode too high so it showed their socks all the time? Hahahahaha. You would think someone in their mid 20's would realize a fashion faux pas such as this. Yeah, this guy did that.

Everyone on the team wore shorts that day. It was a hot day. Too hot to wear pants. I guess this is what that guy was thinking also but he didn't own a pair of shorts. So he decided to wear pants that were highwaters. Not quite shorts and not quite pants. SHPANTS!

I even asked him why he decided to wear "pants" since it was so hot and his response was "Well, I work out so much that it doesn't even bother me. I do sprints all the time so this is like nothing..."

Saved By The.....Deli?

So me and "Mr. Belding" went out to Sunrise Deli for lunch today. It was a beautiful day and we just needed to get out of the office. It gets a little kooky just sitting down for 8 hours straight and just staring at a lifeless screen. We just needed a change of scenery and some human interaction. So as we're walking in to the deli, there were these two girl who looked like they just came from or were headed to the beach. They had their little neon bikini tops glowing out of their wifebeaters. And me and Mr. Belding just look at each other and nodded in approval. And as we got closer to the front of the line, a girl in a black dress walks in. I'm using my peripheral vision but I could tell this girl was wearing a dress that's see-thru in the sun. I could already see the outline of her thong.

I paid for my food and headed to the back to wait. And then I see another girl, a red head with curly hair, walk up to the black dress and start talking to her. And Mr. Belding joins me waiting in the back and I say "We might have to eat here..." Not a minute later, a Persian cutie walks in. Mr. Belding turns to me and says "We picked the right time to come here."

I've been to the deli plenty of time but I've never seen so many girls, good looking girls, in there at the same time. Needless to say, me and Mr. Belding enjoyed our lunch at the deli today. I didn't even have to use my AK. I got to say it was a good day.

One Way

A while back on a business trip to the Great Northwest with "Mr. President" and "Mr. Brown-Nose", we were cruising the streets of downtown Seattle just lookin for a place to eat. We were walking down the street towards the Space Needle when we notice a guy running full speed about to pass us. We were on the sidewalk and he started to go into the street to pass us up. I saw him look over his shoulder to see if cars were passing through and he started to run across the street. Well, while his head was turned over his shoulder, there was this car that was approaching him from his front side. And as he turned his head back around he noticed the car in front of him. He was running full speed and probably 2 seconds away from getting ran over. He even put his hands on the hood of the car to stop his momentum. Oh, did I mention that this was a one way street and he was running against traffic? Muahahahahaha. This happened maybe 10 ft away from us and I was cracking up so loud. I'm sure he heard me. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

PopSUCKle

It was a hot summer day and the AC wasn't on in my cubicle. So I got up just for the hell of it and "Tiger Ali" happened to pass by. He strutted down the hallway with a popsicle in hand. I stared at him wondering where the eff he got a damn popsicle. The office was steaming hot and I wanted one too. And as he passed by me, I'm pretty sure he noticed me staring at the damn popsicle. So as he's walking away, he turns around to face me and licks the popsicle from the base all the way to the tip. He did this very slowly and he never disengaged eye contact with me. I started cracking up and he didn't say one word. He just walked away eating his popsicle. WOW.

Fine Wine

You ever see those people who dress waaaaay too young for their own good? It's like when a 40 yr old woman tries to wear something skanky that her 20 yr old daughter would wear. Well, we kinda have that in the office but this lady actually pulls it off. I'm guessing she's around 60 yrs old but hot damn she is lookin' good. Aged to perfection, like a fine wine. She dresses very classy and if you just saw her from the neck down you'd think she's in her late 20's or maybe early 30's. Every time I see her I can't help but smile(and jizz in my pants). Just the way she carries herself, she has so much confidence and it turns me on. I would love it when my wife is 60 yrs old and she's turning on guys that are 40 yrs younger than her.

Splatterhouse 5

I saw "The Executive" walking all super fast down the hallway. He seemed extra eager to get to his destination. I was kinda curious to where he was going....but I lost him after he passed through the door. Oh well.

So I walk to my destination, the bathroom, and get a pleasant surprise. Right when I opened the door I heard one of the loudest farts I have ever heard. And accompanying that was the sound of splatters hitting porcelain. I swear that everything that came out of this person didn't even hit the water. It just straight up stuck to the inner rim. Never in my life have I witnessed something as glorious as this. I was seriously impressed.

I'm going pee and I'm expecting to hear more splatters. But no! All I hear is the roll of toilet paper being pulled and homeboy walks out. I'm still peeing here. And guess who it was? Yup! The Executive. I walked into that bathroom 10 seconds are he did. It probably took me 20 seconds to pee. And within that time span, homeboy was able to unleash a mad food baby! No wonder he was walking so fast.

Food baby in 30 seconds!!! I've never witnessed that type of speed combined with such ferocious explosiveness. That's championship material if you ask me. The heart of a champion...or should I say the a$$ of a champion!

Mr. F*ck Up

This is a fresh one. This happened today and I'm still reeling from it.

"Mr. Anger Management" called me over to his desk today to look at some work. He then proceeded to ask me if this was wrong. I took a look at it and confirmed with him that the work we were looking at was absolutely wrong. And then he tells me that this was my work. He shows me the files and it has my name on it. And then I told him I don't remember doing that. He proceeds to tell me "We can't be releasing things if they're wrong. You need to go back and fix it." I asked him if he altered my file because I never did those changes and he got a little defensive and reiterated that it was my name on who modified the file last. I even asked him why he had my file open. He said he was reviewing things similar to mine and he just wanted to see how I did it.

I was starting to shiite bricks a little bit because sometimes I am wrong and I don't catch it. But this was a big mistake and usually I catch things like that. So I go back to my desk and look at the files and guess what? They're right. My files look correct. WTF?!?!?

So I go back to Mr. Anger Management and tell him my files are correct and that he probably opened the wrong file. So he opens my file again and guess what? My shiite is not wrong! And then he tries to tell me some story about how there's multiple ways of doing this. Yeah....there are. But the end result is the same. Man up and admit you made a mistake. It happens. This isn't the first time he's done this to me. Or other people as well. This is actually a daily occurrence. His nickname should be "Mr. F*ck Up".

Give It To Me

It was just a regular day at the office and not that many people were around. It was just me, "Ms. Jaeger" and a few other people so it was pretty quiet. Ms. Jaeger joined me in my cubicle for some non-work activities.

I had something good in my hand and I saw her eye f*cking it. I knew she wanted a piece so I said "What are you waiting for?"

"I dunno, I'm scared...it's just looks so...pink!"

"Here....just close your eyes and tilt your head back. Now, open your mouth. Imma stick it in...."

"Mmmmmm! Oh my god! I want some more...."

A head from the next cubicle over pops up and look directly at us. It's "Mr. Drudge" and he asks "What are you guys doing? It sounds very inappropriate from over here!!!"

I look at Ms. Jaeger and then back at Mr. Drudge and say "What are talking about?"

"Close your eyes? Tilt your head back? Open your mouth?"

Me and Ms. Jaeger look at each other and immediately begin cracking up. We didn't even realize that it sounded that way. I was just eating a burrito and I was offering her some. She declined cuz of the way it looked but once she tasted it, she wanted more. Hahahahahaha.

Friends Who Care, Share

Back in the day, we used to all bring food in to work and share with one another. And on days we didn't bring food, we'd all go out to eat lunch somewhere. Well, one of the cats that would "join" the festivities was "Mr. Savage". He was a good guy but he lacked some common sense.

The concept of sharing seemed to elude Mr. Savage. He knew full well of the concept of taking though. He was extremely good at that. You see, we all brought food and SHARED with each other. He always participated when we shared food but he never seemed to contribute. I mean, there were days where I didn't bring food but still participated. But the next time, I brought enough to make up for the fact that I didn't bring the last time.

The days we would go out to eat and he didn't get invited, he would be pissed at us. Gee, I wonder why we didn't invite him? So we started to invite him just to be nice. And then on days he would go out to eat, he wouldn't ever invite any of us. When we go out, we ask if anyone wants anything from the place we're going or if they wanna come along. When he goes out, he just says that he's going and takes off.

Friends who care, share. I wear a shirt to work that says that exact message. And if you don't abide by that rule, watch out for a sucker punch! Or a flat tire. Have a nice day.

The Presidential Suite

There was this one cat, "Mr. President", who always had a drink in his hand. It was either coffee or an energy drink.....or both. I swear that this fool was gonna have the jitters or something. Maybe a nervous breakdown or cardiac arrest? Whatever it is, I don't wanna be around when it happens.

One day I saw him without either. And there was a huuuuuuge difference. The guy was like a sloth. He couldn't move, he couldn't function, he couldn't think. He just sat there taking up space and using up precious air that I could be using. Homeboy was hooked. I never thought of coffee or energy drinks as a drug but it sure did seem like it to this cat. I even knew when he used the bathroom. It smelled like someone poured their drink into the urinal. Ewwwwwwww.

From that day forth, I vowed to never drink coffee or energy drinks. I saw what it could do and I'll pass.

It's been 2.5 years since I've seen the guy. I wonder if he's still alive? If he is, he's probably at a Starbucks as we speak...

Twinkies, Twinkies Little Star

One of our coworkers use to run a little snack shop that we liked to call "Chubbie's Diner". He had all sorts of snacks like chips, corn nuts, candy, twinkies, oatmeal, granola bars, soda, water, beef jerkey, popcorn, etc. It was the place to be....if you wanted to be chubby. But anyways, "Mr. Whispers" sat next to the Diner along with the owner and one day "Mr. Anger Management" came by for a snack. We were a little surprised to see him stop by cuz he had been spouting off for the past few weeks about how he's on a diet for his wedding so he can be all sexy and what not. Well, he was shopping around for snacks and ended up grabbing some twinkies to munch on. Twinkies aren't exactly the healthiest food now. So Mr. Whispers sarcastically says "Aren't you supposed to be on a diet?"

"What? Why do you care?!?!?!?!"

"I was just asking since you don't want to go out and eat anymore. I thought those twinkies might sidetrack you."

"I can eat anything I want, when I want!!!!!!!!!!"

Mr. Whispers chuckled and said "Oh, I was just sayin'......"

"I don't need you to be watching what I eat. I can do whatever I want. It's my life!!!!!! Damn, you're worse than my Mom and my fiance`!!!!!"

And in his rage, Mr. Anger Management took off from the store with the twinkies in hand. He forgot to pay that day.

But he did come back the same week to pay off his debt and even included a little tip. And I think he grabbed a couple more twinkies that day too.

Music For the Soul

So this doesn't really count as a Cubicle Adventure, but since it was discovered while at work and it involves someone we know, we figured we would be doing society an injustice if this wasn't shared....it's just too good to pass up!

Let's just call him Mr. Flaccid, and he's got the voice of a Filipino angel. ENJOY!

No One Else Comes Close, in the key of F

I Wanna Know, in D minor

UPDATE***new recordings!

Star Spangled Banner (w/ video!)

All out of Love (w/video!)

It's So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday

do yourself a favor and listen to everything in its entirety. gems like these are hard to come by.

Damage Control

We work with very sensitive material and we are advised to lock our computer screens if we happen to step away from our desk. We are "supposed" to let a supervisor know if we happen to see a fellow coworker not lock their screen. Well, I like to take justice into my own hands....

One day, "Mr. Gorbachoff" stepped away from his computer for a long while and he forgot to lock it. "Mr. Whispers" pointed this out to me and I got all wet in the panties at the thought of this. I immediately hopped onto his computer and did some "damage". I crawled back to my seat just in case he saw a head walking away from his desk. Mr. Whispers and I laughed at the thought of his reaction when he discovers the "damage".

So Mr. gorbachoff returns to his desk and continues his work. He probably continued with his work for another 30 mins or so. And then he got up to leave and this time he locked his computer. And to his surprise he discovers his desktop picture to be that of 2 MEN being intimate with each other. He starts to flip out. "How did my picture change?" He has his arms raised to his sides wondering what the heck is going on. He even looked under his desk. What the heck? Hahahahahaha. He was making such a big deal out of it so everyone passing by stopped and took a look at his computer. They all chuckled at seeing the BrokeBack Mountain picture.

I just sat at my desk holding in my laugh and pretending like nothing happened. Hahahahahaha. Always lock your computer!!!! I think to this day, he still doesn't know it was me. Muahahaha.

Spread the Love

One day "Ms. Roofies" and I were in our spot where we like to have some privacy and chill out away from everyone at work. We were doin' our thang, mindin' our own business when all of a sudden someone walks in. We quieted our voices so no one would notice us. I guess we did an excellent job of staying hidden cuz whoever walked just did something that almost blew our cover.

I'm normally one who can keep my cool but when something like this happens, I just lose it. I don't kow why. It might be because I'm immature and do this on a regular basis and I find great satisfaction to know that someone else is doing this too. It just puts a smile to my face.

So what did this person do that made us almost blow our cover? FART!!!!! It was a nice, juicy, wet one. You could totally hear the liquid as it splattered onto their underwear. You know this person had to lift their leg above their stomach to get that kind of tone. And you can't bend your knee or else you get a different kind of tone. This was a thing of beauty. Right when I heard it, I looked into Ms. Roofies eyes and it was like magic. We couldn't contain ourselves. It was like 2 kids who just found a jar of cookies. We were that giddy. I look forward to lighting someone else's eyes the way this person did to mine. Spread the joy, spread the love, and spread the cheeks to get that great sound.

Stop, Drop and ROFL

One day I was listening to some jams, just minding my own damn business when I heard a loud thud on the other side of my cubicle. "Mr. Nugent" sat on the other side of the cubicle so I started to laugh. I was thinking that he went to go sit in his seat and the seat rolled back so he fell on his arse. So here I am chuckling and I stood up to see the damage cuz I wanted to laugh in his face. As soon as I took off my headphones, I heard Mr. Nugent say "Are you alright?".

So it couldn't have been Mr. Nugent who fell....

Who the hell sits next to Mr. Nugent?

"Mr. Peg Leg"!!!!!

Now I started to feel bad for laughing cuz Mr. Peg Leg is actually handicapped. Eff me!!! So a few other people who heard the thud also came over to try to help and see if Mr. Peg Leg was ok. Here I am standing at my cubicle trying to hold my laugh in and pretending to look concerned.

So I immediately emailed Mr. Nugent, cuz I didn't want to go over and talk about what just happened all out loud. "WTF just happened? Did homeboy really just eat shiite?"

And the response I got was "Yeah. He said he tripped over the cabinet cuz he wasn't watching where he was going but it looked like his leg just gave out and he dropped. He didn't even want help getting up. He pushed everyone away."

Is it wrong that I laugh at other people's misfortunes? Only if you laugh in their face. Or if they actually get hurt....

The No-Look Look Pass

If he were a point guard he would rule. On a 3 to 1 fastbreak, the defender wouldn't know which way the ball would go. Or even a QB, he would dominate the field. He could look off the safety all day and throw to his man down field at the same time.

My boy "Biggie T-mac Nash" is a helluva dude. He's a nice guy with good intentions but he has a little bit of a social problem. He's a little bit awkward to talk to if you're a female. I think he's asked every single female in the office to go out to lunch with him. And his method of seduction? COUPONS! Hahahahahaha.

"Hey do you wanna go to KFC for lunch? I got a 2 for 1 coupon..."

"Uhhhh....ok?"

I'm not gonna hate on his game. Everyone plays a little bit different. I just think it's funny to see how other guys approach the same thing I do. You're my boy Biggie T-Mac Nash!!!!! Just roll with the punches and keep at it. You'll snag one eventually.

Behind Door #1

Another day in the delivery room started off like any other day. I'm doin' my thang, delivering a food baby, and people are doin' their thang, making it rain showers of gold, and we're respecting each others business. But this one time, somebody decided to cross the line.

When you walk into a bathroom and you try to open a stall door and it's locked, it usually means that somebody is in there. USUALLY. Actually, 99.9% of the time it means that. No, scratch that. 100% of the time it does. If the door you tried is locked, then try the next door and so on until you score. If all of them are locked, then you're shiet out of luck.

Well, on this day I was giving birth at the normal time I do on an everyday basis when someone tried to open the door. Of course it was locked. So he tried the next door. That, too, was locked. Shiet out of luck for him. Or so I thought.

There were only 2 stalls in this delivery room. And this guy went for door number 3. Door number 3? Where is that?

It's underneath door number 1! I was behind door number 1!

After being unsuccessful with door number 2, this guy decided to go back to door number 1 and look underneath it. I saw his eyes meet mine. WTF?!?!?!?!?! Who does that?

I got so creeped out I just finished as fast as I could and stormed out. And on my way back, I saw "Mr. Peeper" stretching his hamstrings, like a ballerina, on the balcony ledge. WTF?!?!?! Why is he stretching....

Woah-MAN

Visiting hours are always cut short for a reason; people need to rest or the prisoner has to go back. Well here at work there’s someone who either isn’t doing what there suppose to do and feels that visiting others is a cool way to get people to hate him.

This dood goes around to who I figure are his peeps and drags them along where he wants to go and in the process begs them sometimes. C’mon man, do you really have to beg for their company? I suggest that you grow a sak and deepen your voice and man up.
Seriously, the high voice is only for choir chicks so lose it or take up smoking

So remember when visiting people keep it to a minimum and don’t hang out and beg people to go somewhere with you. The doctors and guards need to get their work done too.

16 Lunches

Mr. Whispers always has food in the morning and always has home made lunches. They look and smell really good all the time. Sometimes I'm not even hungry but once I catch a whiff of it, I suddenly get the munchies. Some days it's breakfast burritos or tamales or carne asada or something damn delicious. I just want someone else to distract him so when he's not looking so I could take a few bites.

So one day I asked him if he gets up early to make that or if he makes it the night before?

"Neither. My girl made it."

"Damn son! Does she got a sister?"

"No....but she has a cousin."

"Hook a brotha up!"

"Ok, I'll tell her...."

"You got pix? Like on myspace?"

"No, but my girl does.....oh yeah, her cousin is 16 though!"

"Hmmmmm........for lunches........everyday? I think. I could do 16!"

Hahahahahahahaha. Thanks for the hookup Mr. Whispers! And thanks to Mrs. Whispers for all the food you cooked that I ate while Mr. Whispers wasn't looking!

Slang 101

There was this girl who used to work with us. She wasn't from around here. She wasn't even from the US. She was from some Asian country where they speak "ching chang chong and I can't understand the words you're saying, go back to your country WH!T3 P0W3R!!!!" Nonetheless, she was a very intelligent girl and pretty fun to be around. The only thing is, she didn't understand our slang. Everything was literal with her.

One day a group of us (3 girls, 4 guys) were all joking around and emailing each other at work and she never responded to any of them. She usually replies when we're mass emailing each other. So I went to her desk and asked her what was wrong. She said she didn't understand anything were talking about and she felt so left out. I was usually always the one to explain things to her since she felt comfortable with me. Well, on this day we happened to be having a discussion on all things explicit.

Great! Now I had to explain everything to her. Keep in mind that we're still at work.

First thing to explain: PROTEIN SHAKE
Damn! I tried explaining it in a politically correct fashion since there were other people around us and they might hear us. "Ummm...it's like a drink but it's really thick. And it's made from the secretions of a man..." But she still didn't get it.....so I made the motions of me j3rkin' off into an imaginary cup and then offering her to drink it. And then I even drank it. Then she understood. Hahahahahaha.

Next thing to explain: TRAIN
I didn't want to say "interc0urse" or "s3x" out loud and I didn't know any other word to describe it. So I made gestures once again. I extended my pointer finger on one hand and with my other hand I made a circle shape with my thumb and pointer. I then proceeded to move the extended pointer in and out. And as I was doing the motions, I was saying "One person goes first and then when he's done, the next one goes..." Right as I'm doing this, the supervisor walks by. UH OH!!!!!

Here I am crouched by a female's desk and making s3xual gestures. It got quiet real quick. And after the supervisor left, we nearly died of laughter. We were cracking up so hard. I thought for sure we'd get fired. Or at least be put on a s3xual harrassment case.

I told her I'd explain everything else AFTER work so we don't get caught in a sticky situation again. Hahahahahahaha.

Cookies anyone?

Do you ever have someone at work bring in goodies for the office to have and enjoy. At my office we have many who bring goodies, however one in particular does it often and when you get one oh his goodies he’ll keep an eye on you.

You notice the goodies and like a normal person you go to investigate it and politely ask may I have one? He then replies “sure” little do you know this is all a web that is spun to catch his victims. Many have become aware of this guy I call Night Crawler. They are aware to his games. But yet many fall victim to his sugary sweets that he uses to plump you up and make you feel ill of what I call the morning sugar crash.

Honestly I wouldn’t take water from this creepy night crawler because he showed me his true colors one day. Frankly I can’t trust anyone who sits in the dark in front of there computer before its time to punch in for god knows who long. Or anyone who dates people old enough to be there great grandma, that’s just sick!

He tends to go after people who are not as intelligent much like me but either way be cautious. Just ask yourself if a hairy blue monster with crazy eyes was giving you cookies would you take them? Prolly not and yes he does look like the cookie monster with a Hawaiian shirt. Consider that a description to go by.

The Banana Incident

There are a couple cats here at the office who like to criticize my eating habits. So sometimes when I'm eating, I intentionally stare at them so they know that I don't care what they say cuz imma eat whatever the hell I want to and they can suck it.

One day I was eating a banana and I was staring right at them. But I wasn't eating the banana in a normal fashion. Hahahahahaha. Let's just say it was a little bit sensual. Well, they were getting a rise out of it. They were laughing their asses off. But they started laughing even harder when they noticed someone, who was behind them, watching the whole thing also. God bless her soul. This little, old lady happened to witness me deepthroat a banana and I don't think she can ever look at me in the face again. She had this face of shock. Kinda like she saw a ghost or something. I don't think she's ever seen anybody do that in public before. I'm pretty sure she's scarred for life.

I haven't spoken to her since the incident. I usually have conversations with her every other day or so but I think she might be afraid of me now. She probably thinks I do that stuff on the regular. Hahahahahaha.

Chicken Of The Sea

One day I was in the break room preparing my lunch when this old cat walks in. He starts preparing his lunch as well....but I can see him eyeing my food. I notice this and I try to block his view by using my body as a shield. Now he can't see my food. Suckaaaaaa! Hahahahahahaha.

And then he asks, "What is that?"

"Chicken."

"Not tuna?"

"No....chicken!" I swear I said chicken, not tuna.

"Where did you get that?"

"Costco."

"For how much?"

"I think it was around $12."

"Wow. That's really expensive. Why didn't you just get Tuna?"

"Uhhhh.....cuz I got chicken!"

"What's the point then?"

"I.....like.....chicken?"

He started saying some other crap but I ignored him and walked away while while he was still talking. He's lucky that I was hungry or else he woulda got a spinning split-legged Van Damme jump kick to the face 4 times in a row.

Abstinence on Ice

A few months ago, "Mr. Sanders" and "Mr. Dirty" happened to be in the lunch room at the same time. The age difference between the two is probably 50 so they hardly ever talk. So Mr. Sanders decides to strike up a conversation.

"Have you heard that new song Sex On Fire?"

::Chuckles at hearing the song title:: "What?"

"That song by Kings Of Leon?"

"Uhhhh...never heard it."

"So they must be a new band?"

"I'm not really sure"

"I really like that song!"

Just the other day, "Mr. Nixon" was at the printer and Mr. Sanders passed by and struck up a conversation with him. Again, the age difference between the two is about 50 so what do they have in common?

"Hey, are you going to the concert?"

"What concert?"

"Kings of Leon..."

"Oh..."

"...at the open air theater at SDSU."

"I didn't know about it."

"You like that song Sex On Fire?"

"Yeah, it's pretty cool."

"So, are they a new band?"

"I think they've been out for a while..."

"Oh, so this is their breakout hit then?"

"Yeah."

"So do they have other albums or is this their first one?"

"Uhhhhh....I'm not really sure."

::awkward exit::


I'm beginning to think that Mr. Sanders has a routine for picking up young boys. Listen to songs on the radio that have suggestive lyrics and have been out for a year or two and then invite them to the concert in hopes of getting them drunk to take advantage of them.

Note to self: If Mr. Sanders ever askes me about Kings Of Leon, bring up the show "To Catch A Predator" and if he's seen the latest episode.

Food For Thought

I'm a pretty heavyset guy and I know it. I'm trying to drop a few by eating healthier. But there's this guy in the office who tries to give me advice on what I need to do. Here are a few of the things he told me:

1) You eat too much.

Everything at my desk is apples, oranges, bananas, nectarines, grapes, wheat bread, peanut butter, almonds, walnuts, and oatmeal. I like to think it's pretty healthy. A little bit of everything above throughout the day is better than eating a bag of chips and cookies and snacking of junk food all the time.

2) You drink too much water.

Homeboy asked me how much water I drink throughout the day and I told him 2 gallons. He said that was waaaaay too much. And then he proceeded to tell me that he read somewhere (probably online) that too much water is bad for you. I guess he never noticed that I'd go running on my lunch breaks and I sweat like crazy and all I'm trying to do is rehydrate myself.

3) Bread is bad for you.

I'm eating multi grain bread, not white bread. It's not like I'm overloading on bread. I eat 2 slices a day and that's it. I've cut back my carb intake by at least 60%. I used to eat rice every meal. Now, only one meal a day.

I don't mind people giving me advice but this guy swears by all the things he tells me. And I look at him and he's not exactly "healthy". He's a pretty heavyset guy as well, which makes me wonder about all the advice he gives. Obviously something isn't working. It's not working for him, so I'm not listening to him. Or he might be one of those people who have the "Do as I say, not as I do" mindset. Nonetheless, a spinning split-legged Van Damme jump kick might coming his way soon if he doesn't shut up.

The Delivery Room

I was in the delivery room giving birth to a food baby when I heard someone come in and they made it rain, R. Kelly style. I know pretty much the entire office by the shoes they wear. They might as well as put my computer in the delivery room since I'm there so much. But anyways, after the showers of gold stopped pouring, homeboy washed his hands and was headed out the door. And the next thing I hear is a loud thud!

"Jesus Christ!!!!!"

Someone had just slammed the door right into him. All I hear is a little apology and then feet scuffling making their way into the handicap stall. Another food baby on the way but this one was urgent. No care for other people in the path. The dilation on this one must have been at least 3cm and the contractions were probably 5 minutes apart lasting for about 45 seconds each. That baby was eager to get out.

Party On

There was this one cat who was pretty cool (at first) and wanted to party all the time. We went out and partied it up and had good times. It was actually very fun.....for the first few times. And then he started to hit me up all the time. Everyday at work, he'd ask me if I wanted to go out and drink later on. Keep in mind that I had a 2nd job, so I couldn't go out all the time. Weekends were my time to unwind, not the weekdays. I'd always tell him I was too busy to go out and it seemed like he was disappointed in me. I didn't really care cuz I actually had stuff to do. And then he started showing up at my 2nd job and it started to get weird. I didn't mind at first since my 2nd job is a very public one. But it started to get uncomfortable when one night he started to refer to my company and my associates when he wasn't in the right state of mind. He wasn't doing it intentionally so I don't really have any ill will towards him but it just made us look bad cuz he was spouting our names and our company at the wrong time.

But it's all good and I don't hate the guy. I just needed some breathing room. Here's a tic tac. (=

Open Door Policy

Have you ever been walked in on? Whether it has happen to us or not, we wouldn’t ever want to be caught in an embarrassing situation. It can make things awkward between the parties involved. Or it can end up on a blog just like this one.

There’s this dude at my office who is an odd individual. He is foreign and he may not be use to our customs yet. For example he likes to hide his accent. I find accents cool especially when the person owns it. But I guess this dude may want to be looked like as an American when at first glance he looks Asian, he is Asian. I mean I’ve been mistaken for many other ethnicities but my own, but I digress.

This dude also talks a lot at the office and loudly I may add. It is stressed at the office to use our inside voices or talk quietly. But this guy speaks as if you’re clear across the room. This guy also chimes in when he wants. I don’t like to butt into other peoples conversations unless they ask for my opinion or invite me into the conversation.

One day I had to use the restroom, so I made my way to the door of the restroom when I turned the handle and open the door and the Asian loud talker that doesn’t mind his own business was sitting down doing his business on the toilet seat. Holy crap I thought to myself as I saw him look up at me in surprise to find the door open. Yikes I close the door and uttered “you may want to lock the door.” As soon as I closed door I him set the door lock. The image unfortunately is burned in my memory.

Soon after I told the guys I was in the training room with what had happened, they all laughed hysterically. Everyone asked how long I had the door open? I swore it was like 10 seconds but actually more like 3. This guy from that point on can’t look at me in the face anymore. And to top it off this guys appearance has gone from tall heavyset Asian to tall heavyset Asian with a mop top and now happens to look and can now be mistaken for a woman. I may have inadvertently caused this guy to have an identity issue.

My latest restroom visit has allowed me to catch this guy fixing his hair. If you ask me to describe this dudes hair style in one word I would have to say “Beatles.” This hair style is popular among Amish and Comedians and he’s neither. Please! I mean you’re at work and your hair do is a don’t for men why are you so focused on making it appear any worse than it already is.

In conclusion I hope this story inspires you to LOCK your doors that you may close behind you. If you have an open door policy, FINE but lock the door and also to accept who you are and just OWN IT and ROCK IT!

Tricks Of The Trade

One day "Mr. Anger Management" came by to "Mr. Whispers" desk to show him a few tricks of the trade. Well, "Mr. Hotshot" sat in front of Mr. Whispers and he overheard the tricks being exposed. I guess Mr. Anger Management happened to open up a file that belonged to Mr. Hotshot and he didn't take too kindly of his info being messed with.

"What are you doing opening up my file?"

"I'm just trying to teach him how to do something."

"Why are you using MY file?"

"It's ok, I'm not changing anything. I just opened it. This is just an example."

"Well, you shouldn't be opening my file."

"I'll open it if I want to."

"No, you can't do that...."

"What are you gonna do about it?"

And then Mr. Hotshot gets up and leaves. Mr. Anger Management and Mr Whispers are reeling over the eavesdropping. No one was talking to Mr. Hotshot. He just had to butt in and interrupt the session. Here I am cracking up after witnessing this whole fiasco. Mr. Anger Management is furious. He started to whisper obscenities and talk so much crap about Mr. Hotshot.

A few minutes later Mr. Hotshot returns, but this time with reinforcement. He brought along "Mr. Peg Leg", a higher authority. Here I am still laughing inside but staying calm on the outside. Mr Peg Leg is all business. SO he starts to gather all the facts from both sides and eventually sides with Mr. Hotshot.

Again, Mr. Anger Management is furious and ready to cause a ruckus but since Mr. Peg Leg is a higher authority, he has to swallow his pride and follow the orders given. So he takes off since he was proven to be in the wrong.

After Mr. Anger Management is gone, Mr. Hotshot looks at Mr. Whispers and me and asks "What's that guys problem?" I gave one look at him and went back to my work. Eff him!

Stairway to Heaven

If you were a girl (a somewhat attractive one, I might add) and you wore skirt to work, especially when you work with a bunch of dudes, wouldn't you know that a bunch of heads would turn every time you passed by? Wouldn't you know heads would turn even more when you walked up the stairs? It's only a natural progression. Don't get me wrong. I enjoyed it. But I'm just sayin'....

Sharpest tool in the shed…NOT!

Man what is it about a meat head? The dude who has to show everybody “Hey look at me I’m cool and I want you to know it.” Well there’s one in our office and he is by far the most annoying co-worker ever. As a matter of fact I remember the first time I met this guy. He was very in your face…literally. He has no concept of personal space. “Hey man how’s it going? When are we going out?”

I was sitting at a burger joint enjoying my food with a buddy discussing plans to go to a local brewery when my cell phone starts ringing. I don’t see a number cuz its blocked so I ignore it. Well it rings again immediately so I answer to see who it is. I say hello and it’s the dude, “wait! How did this guy get my number?” He replies “are you gonna pick me up so we can go to the brewery?” What’s going on? Who is this dude and why does he think I’m going to pick him up from work to go to the brewery? That was our introduction and from that point I felt this guy was bad news.

You pass by this maniac at the office and he always has something to say. Don’t get me wrong the occasional hi is good, I can appreciate it, but when he says a greeting two minutes after the first you can’t help but ask yourself, “What just happen?” Why is he asking me how I’m doing when he just asked me two minutes ago? And then when you see him do it to just about everyone he comes across well then it becomes annoying.

So to sum up my case of the overly greeting in your face meathead who thinks everyone likes him, I ask my self this question. Are there anymore like him out there? If so please don’t let these guys get away with what they do.

This guy eventually got the message from me when I would stair him down with disgust when he would pass by and when I wouldn’t acknowledge him with a “Hello or a DAP or fist bump anymore. I’m sorry but I felt enough was enough. And you know what? After speaking to the majority of the office they all felt the same way about him, so that made me feel even better about the fact that this guy truly is what he is…a complete Tool!

Two In A Row

Have you ever been so lazy that you wore the same pants 2 days in a row? Pants are fine, they never really get that dirty. Not unless you sit or lean against something really dirty. Or if you shart. But other than that, you might even be able to go 3 days in a row if you work in a cubicle. Sitting down in the same chair doesn't get too messy.

But have you ever worn the same shirt two days in a row? To work? I've done in it when I've stayed at home during the summer and there was no school. But I've never done it going to work.

It's one thing to wear something two days in a row if at least it looks clean. If it's showing the wear and tear that goes on throughout the day. When they are visible signs of sweating, the noticeable funk that reeks so pungent that you need to cover it with an entire bottle of Old Spice, the collar starting to get stretched form your double chin chaffing against it, it might be time to change shirts.

If this happens once, no big deal. Maybe you got into a fight with your girl the night before and she kicked you out so you had nothing to wear. That's understandable. But when you do it every Monday and Tuesday for almost two months, it starts to become a problem. Cologne doesn't cover up dirt. Take a shower. Please. And laundry would be nice also. Thanks.

Coffee Cramps

I went to the lunch room to grab some water. I was filling up my chalice when I felt someone staring at me. So I turned my head to the side and there was an old man gazing at me while filling up his coffee cup. And as soon as I made eye contact with him, he said "You know you're getting old when coffee starts giving you stomach cramps!" And then he proceeded to laugh hysterically. I smiled and walked away. He was still talking to me as I turned my back. I didn't understand a damn word he said. I was just trying to get out of there fast.

A Bear With No Name

He sat in the office down the hall. I never really spoke to him. All I ever said was "Good morning" or "Have a good weekend" and that was it. One day there was food at the table next to his office. I stood there looking at it. He saw me. He came outside and said "I went bear hunting this weekend. I prepared this myself. Try it. It's delicious with crackers." I was intrigued at the fact that those were the most words he's ever said to me and the fact that there was bear meat a few inches from my hand. So I grabbed a chunk of bear meat and a couple crackers and thanked him and walked back to my desk.

I took a bite. I thought about the flavors in my mouth. The texture, the taste, the smell. It was disgusting. I spit it out and ate as much crackers I could to get that nasty flavor out of my mouth. I can't really describe the taste of it. It was almost like a hamburger patty that had been left out on the kitchen for a week. The texture was kinda like a rubbery meatloaf. The smell was horrible.

But I am glad to tell people that I've tasted bear. And I never talked to that guy ever again. His office got moved.