Knockin' On Heavens Door

In my cubicle we have a special needs person sitting with us.  “Rain man” is a genius when it comes to math, statistics and facts but lacks in the social skills department.  He’s a very nice guy and he also enjoys singing.  I like having him in my cubicle.

Well, one day I was checking his work and spotted some errors.  So I went to his desk to ask him a few questions.

“Hey “Rain man” (FYI: I didn’t really call him this.  I called him by first name but I am referring to him as so only on here), I got a couple questions for you.”  He had his earphones on and he didn’t respond.  So I gently knocked on his desk to get his attention.  *knock knock knock*

He ripped his earphones off and abruptly stood up.  I’m 5’4” and this guy is maybe 6’1”.  He then proceeded to pound his fists on his desk.  *BOOM BOOM BOOM*  His eyes were huge and he said in a very loud, almost shouting voice, “Why do you have to knock on my desk?”

“You had your headphones on and didn’t respond when I was calling your name.  I thought it might get your attention…”  It worked but not in the way I was expecting.  I didn’t think it would anger or upset him.  I totally didn’t think he would react that way.  But I guess with special people you never know.  “Anyways, I got a couple question about your work.  Can you come to my desk so I can show you?”

After I started talking about work, he calmed down and went back to his normal self.  But if you saw my face, you would have seen the fear.  And if you checked my undies, you’d probably find a log or two.  I was seriously ready to take a punch in the face when he stood up.

Medicinal Snacks

So I walked into the lunch room to put my food in the fridge. “The Sheriff” was in there filling up his water jug. He turned around to see me empty the contents of my bag and place them in the fridge.

“Those are some interesting cookies you have there…”

“What? These….”

“Do they have m@riju@n@ in them?”

WTF? This is my boss. And he said this with a smile. I’m wondering if I looked high? What would cause him to ask that? I know I joke around all the time but I’m never under the influence of anything at work. I still have a job to do and I take pride in anything that has my name attached to it.

“Uh….they’re not cookies. It’s soy patties.”

“Oh….the reason I ask is because my mother-in-law….”

I cut him off and asked, “Your mother-in-law bakes weed cookies? WOW!”

“Hahahaha. No, she has medical problems and my wife suggested she take some medicinal m@riju@n@. But she refuses cuz she thinks it bad. And then my wife was telling me about the cookies and brownies and we can just give that to her. She’ll think it’s regular treats.”

“So….you’re not gonna tell her there’s weed in those treats?”

“NOPE! Well, my wife is gonna be the one doing it. It’s up to her. I’m not taking any part of this.”

Hahahaha. We both laughed at this. Giving some 80 yr old lady some bud brownies and not telling her is hilarious to me. And then he said something that really caught me off guard.

“Do you know how easy it is to get a medical card to get the stuff?”

“Uhhh…no. Not really.”

“My wife told me there’s all kinds of ads in the reader where you can get them. Not that I’m condoning this kind of behavior…” The Sheriff then proceeded to pick up The Reader (we have a stash of them in the lunch room for people to read) and quickly found a full page of ads about where to get medicinal cards and how much. We both laughed hysterically about this.

“Well, thanks for the heads up about this…”

That wasn’t awkward at all. Hahahahaha.

Sup Dawg

I went into the lunch room to go wash my cereal bowl when I ran into "#" making some toast. I hit him with the fist pound and went about my business.

#: Sup Dawg.

me: Chillin' mang. Sup witchoo?

#: Nuttin' man.

*2 seconds of silence*

#: So....sup dawg?

Uhhhh.....I coulda sworn I answered/responded to that question/statement already. I really wanted to respond with the same exact answer as before but I didn't want to be a dick. Its just funny when people try to force a conversation to keep going when there was nothing to be said. That's why I wear headphones everywhere I go.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Printer Police

Today I got asked by "The Sheriff" if the printer is used a lot. I happen to sit next to the printer so I guess it's my job to monitor the usage of the printer? I told him "Yes, it goes off like every other minute. People from the side of the building come here and use it too." I don't really know if that's true. Hahahaha. But I do get a lot of people talking to me as they wait for things to get printed. That can sometimes get annoying. Thank God for the invention of headphones.

A few months back "The Deputy" aka "Shamone 2" asked me if the stuff that people print are work related material. Ummm.....how am I supposed to know? Do I need to check every piece of paper printed to make sure? When was I informed of this duty? I responded with "Ummm....I see a lot of resumes being printed. Job applications, formal complaints, things like that." Of course The Deputy laughed. She knows I joke around a lot. But this time I wasn't joking. MUAHAHAHAHA.

Turner and Mooch

One day "Mr. Whispers" decided to bring food to share with the entire cubicle, which consists of 7 people. I thought this was a real nice gesture and I wanted to do something nice also. So the next week I brought in some food to share as well. Mr. Whispers and I continued to do so for however long. We'd just bring in snacks or even meals sometimes. Every once in a while someone else from the cubicle would share a little something they brought. We figured every one in the cubicle would bring something at some point. It wasn't necessary of them but if they kept eating the stuff we brought, it would have been nice for them to show they appreciated what we were doing. That was our rationale.

Well, I guess "Mooch" doesn't believe in that. To this day he has never shared anything with us. It's been almost 2 years since I moved into this cubicle and he still takes and never gives. Mr. Whispers and I stopped bringing food to share with everyone. We bring food and share it with each other since we are the only ones who care about contributing. And even when we share with each other, Mooch comes by and begs for food. We no longer offer food. He just stares at our food and doesn't leave. At first I would ask if he wanted some since he would be staring so hard. And then I started to get a little bit offended by the stares so I stopped offering. Now he stares and then asks for some. I still share when he asks but never do I offer him anything anymore.

Maybe it was the culture that I grew up in. It's just the polite thing to do when someone brings something for you, you return the favor at some point. I mean, you don't have to but I always did. Karma.

Curtains and Carpet

I went to grab some ice from the ice machine downstairs. I had my headphones on so I wouldn’t have to talk to random people. As I finished grabbing some ice, I noticed “Mr. Accidental Stalker” looking at me. I still had my headphones on but I made eye contact with him. Mistake on my part. That was his cue.

Mr. Accidental Stalker: I thought you were a new employee

Me: *smiles and walks away*

Mr. Accidental Stalker: So you dyed it, huh?

Me: Yup. *keeps walking away*

Mr. Accidental Stalker: How much did it cost?

Me: Ohhh…I didn’t pay, I did it myself.

Mr. Accidental Stalker: Haha. How about downstairs? *looks at my crotch*

Me: *surprised disgusted look* …..uhhh…..i’d have to grow it out first…..haha?

Mr. Accidental Stalker: HAHAHAHAHAHA

WTF? I don’t even know this guy too well. He just happens to show up at certain places I’m at. And I’m not just talking about work. I was at the bowling alley one day and he was there looking at me. Yeah. You wonder how I gave him his nickname.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Hotdogs Down The Hallway

The hallways at work aren’t exactly the biggest. It can fit two people side by side. It gets to be a little tight if one of those people are holding something though. I’ve never had any problems when walking down the hallway but I think there is one guy who has. Every time he sees me walking down the hallway, he waits for me to pass before he walks thru. He goes to a complete stop and partially enters a cubicle and once I pass he goes and proceeds to walk in this hallway. WTF? I know I’m fat but I’m not THAT fat where I take up the entire walkway.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Above and Beyond

There are quite a few characters here at but one of my recent discoveries, or I should say encounters, is “Mr. I Wear My Pants Too High” or “Mr. IWMPTH” for short. He doesn’t work in our facility so I hardly see him but he visits every few months or so. The last time he was here I noticed something extremely strange. Well, I guess it’s strange for me but normal to other people. I like to wear the waistline of my pants around my waist, the area between my belly button and crotch. That’s usually right at the top of the butt cheeks from the back view. But I ran into this guy who wears his pants above the belly button. Not by a few inches. It’s quite a bit higher. I would say the area directly center of the nipples and belly button. I’m not trying to hate or anything but I could see his balls shoved to one side of his pants and he has a forever wedgie because the waist part is so high. This cannot be very comfortable.

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Wasting Time

So I went to the lunch room to grab some milk for my cereal. It was an afternoon snack. And upon entering the lunch room I saw "Mr. Late Night Show Host" standing by the table with a very concerned look on his face. I didn't even try to bother him. I didn't say hi or anything, I just went straight to the fridge. I grabbed the milk and poured it onto my cereal. And after I put the milk away I turned around to see him in the same exact position with the same exact facial expression. I stared at him. After a few seconds of silence and me staring at him he finally turned to me and said "I have a dilemna."

I replied with "Yeah, you look a little lost there."

And he goes "I'm trying to figure out how I'm gonna get this all home without spilling." He had a bag full of food and a couple opened cans of beans and corn.

After he said that "Mr. Peg Leg" walks into the lunch room and asks "Are you on break?"

Mr. Late Night Show Host says ".....uhhhh.....no....."

Mr. Peg Leg, being a supervisor, decides to throw his authority around and says "So......you're just standing around wasting time?"

And Mr Late Night Show Host is a witty gentlemen and responds with "...well...what exactly are you doing?"

**Awkward silence**

Mr. Peg Leg isn't so witty so it takes him a few seconds to find some words. "Uhhhh....very important things."

I start cracking up in both of their faces and bolt for the door. I got my milk for my cereal and now it's time to eat. Peace out suckers!

A Funny Joke Or Horrible Mistake

In the mornings when I get to work, I go to the break room to put my lunch in the fridge. This morning I went there and right when I opened the door to the break room I got punched in the face. Not literally. Figuratively. The smell was so bad in there. I saw 3 dudes in there and I looked at them with this disgusted face. I saw one washing dishes in the sink, one was by the microwave, and the other was by the fridge putting his lunch in there too.

From the immediate looks of things, I had assumed the guy putting his lunch away accidently dropped it and it spilled all over the fridge. And that’s where this smell was coming from. But he had an innocent look to his face. So I don’t think he could be the culprit.

The dude washing his dishes at the sink was only washing a cup so he couldn’t have something that smelled that bad. And the other dude at the microwave notices me scanning around trying to find the smell and says “It’s milk. Apparently someone left it in the cabinet.”

WTF? Who leaves milk in the cabinet?

And then the janitor walks in with some cleaning products. He sees the disgusted look on my face. I guess the other 3 guys have been in there so long that don’t even notice the smell anymore. I, on the otherhand, am ready to puke my brains out. The janitor, “Migo”, then explains to me that when he was cleaning the break room this morning that it smelled even worse. He was looking in the fridge trying to find the smell but everything smelled ok in there. He then checked the trash cans but no dice. Then he started looking in the microwaves and still no dice. The sink. Nope. And finally he started checking the cabinets and BINGO!!!! He found a gallon of milk that was ready to explode. He said the container had expanded and was ready to blow up.

I asked “Why would there be milk in the cabinet?”

And Migo said “They clean the fridge every Friday night. Maybe the cleaning ladies were emptying the fridge and someone left milk and the cleaning ladies decided they were gonna take it home so they put it in the cabinet to get it later. And then they forgot?”

That makes sense.

If I was a cleaning lady, I’d take home whatever people leave in the fridge. That’s free food right there.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Poppin' Pills

So we were at the company Billiards tournament just loungin’ and goofin’ off before the whole ordeal got underway. And one of my teammates, “Mr. Cocky”, busted out two bottle of pills and proceeded to pop the stuff into his mouth. We all looked at him like “What the hell is that? Steroids?”. They were in a prescription bottle but it sure didn’t look like prescription pills. So my other teammate, “Terry Funk”, blatantly asked “What’s that for?”.

Mr. Cocky: This one is antibiotics *shakes bottle in right hand* and this one is for high blood pressure *shakes bottle in left hand*

Terry Funk: Oh, it looks like you have high blood pressure.

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oooohhh, burn!

Mr. Cocky: That’s messed up! *gives Terry Funk dirty look*

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Terry Funk: WHAT!?! Did you guys not get the same joke I was thinking?

Mr. Cocky: You’re saying I got high blood pressure cuz I’m fat? Not cool

Terry Funk: No no no. It’s cuz you’re always angry all the time.

Me: Oh…..I totally thought you were saying that cuz he’s fat.

Mountains

*The events in this post took place on June 30, 2009*

OMG! This morning I was driving to work and then I needed to take a mad dump. I wanted to drive faster but it was no use cuz there traffic. DAMN! The hair on my arms started to stand up and I clinched my cheeks super tight. Normally I don't mind the morning traffic but I couldn't stand it this morning. My left leg was shaking uncontrollably and I was starting to sweat. I tried to keep as still as possible but that didn't really help. The more relaxed I got, the more it would feel like it was gonna come out and explode. So on the whole drive, the entire 45 mins, I was pretty tense. Yeah, the WHOLE drive. I shoulda took a dump before I left but I was in a hurry since I woke up a little later than usual.

When I got to work, the spot where I normally park was taken. So I parked a little farther and the spots were tiny for my big ass truck. I just ended up taking 2 spots since I couldn't park it properly. And then I tried to run but that made the feeling worse so I power walked to my desk to clock in and headed straight for the bathroom. And on my way there, people were saying "What's up?" to me and I just said "Yo" and kept on walking. My teeth were grinding and my eyes were watery. And the closer I got to the bathroom, the harder it became to hold it in. I actually had to slow down walking when I was about 10 yards away from the bathroom door because it almost felt like it was gonna explode already. I had to regain my composure. I don't want to have to drive all the way home to get some new pants.

So I made it to the bathroom and unleashed the fury on that poor toilet. It was like the sounds of heaven with every splatter. The angels were singing and it was a glorious celebration. Since everything was concentrated to one area already, I finished my deed pretty quick. It probably took less than 2 minutes and I was already cleaning up. And as I got up to flush, I took a quick peek at my masterpiece and saw a magnificent mountain. There were no logs in this forest. Just one big mountain pile of doo doo. I almost shed a tear from seeing what nature had created before my eyes. I had a hand, or ass, in this doing and I didn't want to see it go away. I wanted to share my wonderful creation to the whole world.

Too bad the toilet I used was an automatic flusher and all my hopes and dreams went down the drain. Another day, another dollar, and another 8 hours to try to recreate a mountain worthy for the heavens to see....

Gum or Doo Doo?

I walked into the office and was ready to clock in. I usually stand up when I'm clocking in cuz I'm in a hurry. I don't wanna waste a minute by attempting to sit down. I get to my desk > unlock my computer > clock in > take off my backpack and set it down > sit down in my chair. That's my routine when I get to work.

Well one day after I clocked in and set my backpack down, I went to go sit in my seat. But as I was about to set my ass on the seat, my peripheral vision caught a glance of a dark residue in my chair. I took a closer look and it kinda looked fresh. It almost looked like a giant booger that had been stepped on and rolled in dirt. That or doo doo. I'm hoping for the former.

*flashback to last night*
When I got home and took off my pants I noticed a dark residue on my left ass pocket. I know I didn't crap my pants....but maybe I sat on someone else's crap?

*flashback to the office*
I remembered about my pants from last night. The location of the stains match up perfectly. I didn't go anywhere yesterday. I only sat in my car and at my desk. My car didn't have any stains in the seat. So it must have happened anytime between getting to work and leaving work. I smelled the stain and it had no scent. It doesn't stink so it's not doo doo. I touched it and it was kinda sticky. It could be gum. But I don't chew gum at work. And I don't know anyone near me who does either.

So you know what I did? I went around the building trying to find someone who has the same chair as me. I have a very distinct chair. Everyone in the office has a black chair. Mine is blue. So I can't just switch it with anyone. After much searching, I found the exact chair in.....the boss's office. MUAHAHAHA. Yeah, i switched my chair with one in the boss's office. I doubt he'll notice.

Well, when it came time to take my break I reached under my desk for my ukulele. I keep one of my ukulele's at work to jam on my breaks. And then it hit me. Yesterday I was jamming on the uke with Terry Funk and we sat in the stairwell. The stairwell has a ladder we sit next to, which the maintenance guys use to climb the roof. And there's probably random dirty shiite (gum, tar, bird doo doo, chewing tobacco, etc.) up on the roof.

I love those "a-ha" moments where everything pieces together and you finally solve a mystery.

All Natural Honey

A little while back, management asked me to head up to Seattle for a business trip on short notice. How short notice? Try 2 hours!!!! I left work early to go home and pack and went straight to the airport. They sent me and "Mr. Peg Leg" to go do some testing on some new software. I'm not sure if the original people going had a dilema and they needed a last second replacement, but nonetheless I ended up going. I wasn't going to pass up a chance for a full expenses paid trip to Seattle. Flight, food, and lodging all paid for by the company. Plus testing the software doesn't take a full work day. I might be in there for 2-4 hours and then I get the day to explore.

Well when we were at the airport Mr. Peg Leg and I had a little bit of time to kill before our flight. So we were talking about random stuff. He was telling about why he doesn't drink any alcohol anymore. And somehow the conversation got into the topic of sex. I started talking about how weird it is for people who are into Golden Showers. And when I looked at Mr. Peg Leg's face, he had this "you're crazy! you dont like that stuff?" look on his face. And then I asked "Are you into that kinda stuff?" He merely replied with a "No comment!" And then I tried playing it off by saying "Well, the opportunity has just never come about. I've never tried it but I doubt I can find someone who is willing to try it." I was only saying that cuz I wanted to hear what he had to say. I started saying some bullshit to try to get him to spill the beans. The only thing he admitted was "I dabbled in it". Hahahahaha

Anyways, we had the option to each get rental cars. We were both staying at the same hotel and both going to the facility to test out the software so I said let's just share one. He was kinda hesitant to do it but I said I'll go anywhere he goes. And then he says "Well....I kinda have to go somewhere when we get to there." I said "Cool. I'm down." I didn't even bother to ask where.

When we landed in Seattle and got the rental car we were on our way. It was already late at night by the time we got there. We're driving around for a while and he can't seem to find the place. I finally ask where we're going. He said "Honey's". I just assumed it was his secret girlfriend or something. After driving around some more he finally finds the place. This isn't someone's house. It had a giant neon sign and no windows. This can only mean one thing.

When I walked in, I thought I was in TJ. This strip club had a different aura to it. Only after we left did I find out the real reason why we HAD to go there. That place sells condoms in the bathroom. It's like one those machines where you put coins in. That's pretty normal to me. A lot of places have those machines in the bathroom. Well, this place actually put them to use....

That's why we HAD to go there. Before we even checked in to our hotel. Hahahaha.

Yellow Fever

During the crunch period of work where we had forced overtime, "Ms. America" decided to post something on her facebook status that said something like: "We should just have sleepovers at work and the girls can braid each others hair".

Well, "Mr. Yellow Fever" just happened to add Ms. America on facebook recently and saw the post. He decided to reply with: "Can the boys come over and do a panty raid?"

They don't know each other very well because he sits on the other side of the building at work. This isn't something you would say to someone you just met. And to stick up for Ms. America, since she is a dear friend of mine, I decided to reply with my own witty comment: "I don't think the girls wear panties but you can come over and sniff my panties any day!"

This turned a potentially threatening situation into a funny one....or so I thought.

Later on in the day, Mr. Yellow Fever came to my desk and said "That comment you posted was totally uncalled for" and he immediately left. I had no chance to reply or anything. To this day, I have no idea if he was being serious when he said that to me. I honestly don't think I was out of line. I have a friend that I was trying to protect.

In Betweeners

When us dudes go pee in the bathroom, we usually leave the door wide ass open or fully closed. One or the other. No in-betweeners.

One day I walked into the bathroom and saw the urinal taken. This particular bathroom has one urinal, one stall, and one handicap stall. Since the urinal was taken and I don't like taking the handicap stall for fear of occupying it while an actual handicap person needs it, I went into the regular stall. The door was 1/2 open, which means unoccupied. So I push the door open and to my surprise, "Mr. Win" is there. Rather than being all embarrassed when you walk in on someone, I simply said "Is there room for 2?"

HAHAHAHAHA!

Right when "Mr. Win" heard my voice, he immediately got startled and stopped his stream. You should have seen his face. Priceless. Lesson to be learned: Close the door or leave it fully open.

Air Freshener

Mr Anger Management came into work late today. He usually comes in around 530am and I get in around 830am most of the time. Well, he got there around 9ish and already started complaining. It was probably 930 when I heard him saying "Ah man, I have a headache. It's so bad. I was fine when I got here. Before I came in I felt fine. I think the air in here is making me sick." That's when he pulled a can of disinfectant and started spraying his desk down and wiping his whole area clean. The disinfectant was strong. I could smell it from down the hall. When I was thought he was done spraying his desk, I saw him spray the disinfectant up in the air. This made me feel nauseous. It was bad enough when he was just spraying his desk but now he decided to spray it into the air. It's surface cleaner. Not air freshener.

C Ya Later

I was having a conversation with 2 of my coworkers. I can't even remember what we were talking about but it wasn't anything important. We were just jabbering about something when all of a sudden another coworker passing down the hall overheard something in our conversation and decided to chime in. I can't remember what he had said but it was so ridiculous that the 3 of us, the people in the original conversation, just stared at each other in bewilderment. And then we simultaneously glared at the conversation crasher. That's when I said "Excuse me.....this is an A (*points at myself*), B (*points at coworker 1*), and C (*points at coworker 2*) conversation. D ya later!" And we all started cracking up.

Public Dressing Rooms

Everyday I go running on my lunch breaks or near the end of my shifts. I bring shorts and an extra shirt to change into and then I change back into my work clothes after the run. Well on this day I decided to run near the end of my shift. It's a lot cooler in the late afternoon around 430-5ish than it is around 1130 or noon. So I come back from my run around 5ish and everyone in the office is pretty much gone. There's only a handful of people left. And none of them sit near me. So I looked around carefully and decided that I'll just change at my desk instead of the bathroom since I was too lazy/tired to go all the way there.

I'm looking around and no one is in sight. So I start pulling off my shorts. And just as my shorts are to the middle of my thighs, the BIG BOSS from Seattle comes walking down the hall and past my cubicle. I spotted him right when he was directly behind me, as my shorts were halfway down and my ass was hanging out. I don't know if he saw me or not, but he didn't say anything.

It was a sign. I decided to finish the rest of my shift in my running clothes.

Management Door #3

So I was in my office(aka the restroom) and I was handling some paperwork when it sounded like a bunch of people walked in. It sounded like 3 people. Well, my office has 1 urinal, 1 stall, and 1 handicap stall. I was in the stall and I could see someone's feet at the urinal. I'm assuming someone was in the handicap stall because there was someone who was trying to open the door I was in. He tried to push the door I was in. Locked! And then I heard him try the handicap stall and that too was locked. He came back to my stall and tried to look under the door. I lifted my feet up so he wouldn't see me. I was scared.

And then the unthinkable happened. Never in a million years did I think this would happen. At least not to me. You know how the doors have a little gap in them? Yeah....I saw him peeking through it. I felt so violated. I wanted to wipe my ass and then throw it at him.

Later on that day, we had some of the Management team visiting from Seattle, going around and seeing what we were doing. Guess what? I recognized one of them....