Mountains

*The events in this post took place on June 30, 2009*

OMG! This morning I was driving to work and then I needed to take a mad dump. I wanted to drive faster but it was no use cuz there traffic. DAMN! The hair on my arms started to stand up and I clinched my cheeks super tight. Normally I don't mind the morning traffic but I couldn't stand it this morning. My left leg was shaking uncontrollably and I was starting to sweat. I tried to keep as still as possible but that didn't really help. The more relaxed I got, the more it would feel like it was gonna come out and explode. So on the whole drive, the entire 45 mins, I was pretty tense. Yeah, the WHOLE drive. I shoulda took a dump before I left but I was in a hurry since I woke up a little later than usual.

When I got to work, the spot where I normally park was taken. So I parked a little farther and the spots were tiny for my big ass truck. I just ended up taking 2 spots since I couldn't park it properly. And then I tried to run but that made the feeling worse so I power walked to my desk to clock in and headed straight for the bathroom. And on my way there, people were saying "What's up?" to me and I just said "Yo" and kept on walking. My teeth were grinding and my eyes were watery. And the closer I got to the bathroom, the harder it became to hold it in. I actually had to slow down walking when I was about 10 yards away from the bathroom door because it almost felt like it was gonna explode already. I had to regain my composure. I don't want to have to drive all the way home to get some new pants.

So I made it to the bathroom and unleashed the fury on that poor toilet. It was like the sounds of heaven with every splatter. The angels were singing and it was a glorious celebration. Since everything was concentrated to one area already, I finished my deed pretty quick. It probably took less than 2 minutes and I was already cleaning up. And as I got up to flush, I took a quick peek at my masterpiece and saw a magnificent mountain. There were no logs in this forest. Just one big mountain pile of doo doo. I almost shed a tear from seeing what nature had created before my eyes. I had a hand, or ass, in this doing and I didn't want to see it go away. I wanted to share my wonderful creation to the whole world.

Too bad the toilet I used was an automatic flusher and all my hopes and dreams went down the drain. Another day, another dollar, and another 8 hours to try to recreate a mountain worthy for the heavens to see....

Gum or Doo Doo?

I walked into the office and was ready to clock in. I usually stand up when I'm clocking in cuz I'm in a hurry. I don't wanna waste a minute by attempting to sit down. I get to my desk > unlock my computer > clock in > take off my backpack and set it down > sit down in my chair. That's my routine when I get to work.

Well one day after I clocked in and set my backpack down, I went to go sit in my seat. But as I was about to set my ass on the seat, my peripheral vision caught a glance of a dark residue in my chair. I took a closer look and it kinda looked fresh. It almost looked like a giant booger that had been stepped on and rolled in dirt. That or doo doo. I'm hoping for the former.

*flashback to last night*
When I got home and took off my pants I noticed a dark residue on my left ass pocket. I know I didn't crap my pants....but maybe I sat on someone else's crap?

*flashback to the office*
I remembered about my pants from last night. The location of the stains match up perfectly. I didn't go anywhere yesterday. I only sat in my car and at my desk. My car didn't have any stains in the seat. So it must have happened anytime between getting to work and leaving work. I smelled the stain and it had no scent. It doesn't stink so it's not doo doo. I touched it and it was kinda sticky. It could be gum. But I don't chew gum at work. And I don't know anyone near me who does either.

So you know what I did? I went around the building trying to find someone who has the same chair as me. I have a very distinct chair. Everyone in the office has a black chair. Mine is blue. So I can't just switch it with anyone. After much searching, I found the exact chair in.....the boss's office. MUAHAHAHA. Yeah, i switched my chair with one in the boss's office. I doubt he'll notice.

Well, when it came time to take my break I reached under my desk for my ukulele. I keep one of my ukulele's at work to jam on my breaks. And then it hit me. Yesterday I was jamming on the uke with Terry Funk and we sat in the stairwell. The stairwell has a ladder we sit next to, which the maintenance guys use to climb the roof. And there's probably random dirty shiite (gum, tar, bird doo doo, chewing tobacco, etc.) up on the roof.

I love those "a-ha" moments where everything pieces together and you finally solve a mystery.

All Natural Honey

A little while back, management asked me to head up to Seattle for a business trip on short notice. How short notice? Try 2 hours!!!! I left work early to go home and pack and went straight to the airport. They sent me and "Mr. Peg Leg" to go do some testing on some new software. I'm not sure if the original people going had a dilema and they needed a last second replacement, but nonetheless I ended up going. I wasn't going to pass up a chance for a full expenses paid trip to Seattle. Flight, food, and lodging all paid for by the company. Plus testing the software doesn't take a full work day. I might be in there for 2-4 hours and then I get the day to explore.

Well when we were at the airport Mr. Peg Leg and I had a little bit of time to kill before our flight. So we were talking about random stuff. He was telling about why he doesn't drink any alcohol anymore. And somehow the conversation got into the topic of sex. I started talking about how weird it is for people who are into Golden Showers. And when I looked at Mr. Peg Leg's face, he had this "you're crazy! you dont like that stuff?" look on his face. And then I asked "Are you into that kinda stuff?" He merely replied with a "No comment!" And then I tried playing it off by saying "Well, the opportunity has just never come about. I've never tried it but I doubt I can find someone who is willing to try it." I was only saying that cuz I wanted to hear what he had to say. I started saying some bullshit to try to get him to spill the beans. The only thing he admitted was "I dabbled in it". Hahahahaha

Anyways, we had the option to each get rental cars. We were both staying at the same hotel and both going to the facility to test out the software so I said let's just share one. He was kinda hesitant to do it but I said I'll go anywhere he goes. And then he says "Well....I kinda have to go somewhere when we get to there." I said "Cool. I'm down." I didn't even bother to ask where.

When we landed in Seattle and got the rental car we were on our way. It was already late at night by the time we got there. We're driving around for a while and he can't seem to find the place. I finally ask where we're going. He said "Honey's". I just assumed it was his secret girlfriend or something. After driving around some more he finally finds the place. This isn't someone's house. It had a giant neon sign and no windows. This can only mean one thing.

When I walked in, I thought I was in TJ. This strip club had a different aura to it. Only after we left did I find out the real reason why we HAD to go there. That place sells condoms in the bathroom. It's like one those machines where you put coins in. That's pretty normal to me. A lot of places have those machines in the bathroom. Well, this place actually put them to use....

That's why we HAD to go there. Before we even checked in to our hotel. Hahahaha.

Yellow Fever

During the crunch period of work where we had forced overtime, "Ms. America" decided to post something on her facebook status that said something like: "We should just have sleepovers at work and the girls can braid each others hair".

Well, "Mr. Yellow Fever" just happened to add Ms. America on facebook recently and saw the post. He decided to reply with: "Can the boys come over and do a panty raid?"

They don't know each other very well because he sits on the other side of the building at work. This isn't something you would say to someone you just met. And to stick up for Ms. America, since she is a dear friend of mine, I decided to reply with my own witty comment: "I don't think the girls wear panties but you can come over and sniff my panties any day!"

This turned a potentially threatening situation into a funny one....or so I thought.

Later on in the day, Mr. Yellow Fever came to my desk and said "That comment you posted was totally uncalled for" and he immediately left. I had no chance to reply or anything. To this day, I have no idea if he was being serious when he said that to me. I honestly don't think I was out of line. I have a friend that I was trying to protect.

In Betweeners

When us dudes go pee in the bathroom, we usually leave the door wide ass open or fully closed. One or the other. No in-betweeners.

One day I walked into the bathroom and saw the urinal taken. This particular bathroom has one urinal, one stall, and one handicap stall. Since the urinal was taken and I don't like taking the handicap stall for fear of occupying it while an actual handicap person needs it, I went into the regular stall. The door was 1/2 open, which means unoccupied. So I push the door open and to my surprise, "Mr. Win" is there. Rather than being all embarrassed when you walk in on someone, I simply said "Is there room for 2?"

HAHAHAHAHA!

Right when "Mr. Win" heard my voice, he immediately got startled and stopped his stream. You should have seen his face. Priceless. Lesson to be learned: Close the door or leave it fully open.

Air Freshener

Mr Anger Management came into work late today. He usually comes in around 530am and I get in around 830am most of the time. Well, he got there around 9ish and already started complaining. It was probably 930 when I heard him saying "Ah man, I have a headache. It's so bad. I was fine when I got here. Before I came in I felt fine. I think the air in here is making me sick." That's when he pulled a can of disinfectant and started spraying his desk down and wiping his whole area clean. The disinfectant was strong. I could smell it from down the hall. When I was thought he was done spraying his desk, I saw him spray the disinfectant up in the air. This made me feel nauseous. It was bad enough when he was just spraying his desk but now he decided to spray it into the air. It's surface cleaner. Not air freshener.

C Ya Later

I was having a conversation with 2 of my coworkers. I can't even remember what we were talking about but it wasn't anything important. We were just jabbering about something when all of a sudden another coworker passing down the hall overheard something in our conversation and decided to chime in. I can't remember what he had said but it was so ridiculous that the 3 of us, the people in the original conversation, just stared at each other in bewilderment. And then we simultaneously glared at the conversation crasher. That's when I said "Excuse me.....this is an A (*points at myself*), B (*points at coworker 1*), and C (*points at coworker 2*) conversation. D ya later!" And we all started cracking up.

Public Dressing Rooms

Everyday I go running on my lunch breaks or near the end of my shifts. I bring shorts and an extra shirt to change into and then I change back into my work clothes after the run. Well on this day I decided to run near the end of my shift. It's a lot cooler in the late afternoon around 430-5ish than it is around 1130 or noon. So I come back from my run around 5ish and everyone in the office is pretty much gone. There's only a handful of people left. And none of them sit near me. So I looked around carefully and decided that I'll just change at my desk instead of the bathroom since I was too lazy/tired to go all the way there.

I'm looking around and no one is in sight. So I start pulling off my shorts. And just as my shorts are to the middle of my thighs, the BIG BOSS from Seattle comes walking down the hall and past my cubicle. I spotted him right when he was directly behind me, as my shorts were halfway down and my ass was hanging out. I don't know if he saw me or not, but he didn't say anything.

It was a sign. I decided to finish the rest of my shift in my running clothes.

Management Door #3

So I was in my office(aka the restroom) and I was handling some paperwork when it sounded like a bunch of people walked in. It sounded like 3 people. Well, my office has 1 urinal, 1 stall, and 1 handicap stall. I was in the stall and I could see someone's feet at the urinal. I'm assuming someone was in the handicap stall because there was someone who was trying to open the door I was in. He tried to push the door I was in. Locked! And then I heard him try the handicap stall and that too was locked. He came back to my stall and tried to look under the door. I lifted my feet up so he wouldn't see me. I was scared.

And then the unthinkable happened. Never in a million years did I think this would happen. At least not to me. You know how the doors have a little gap in them? Yeah....I saw him peeking through it. I felt so violated. I wanted to wipe my ass and then throw it at him.

Later on that day, we had some of the Management team visiting from Seattle, going around and seeing what we were doing. Guess what? I recognized one of them....

Bareback Scratcher

Everyday I walk down the halls and occasionally I'll run into people I know. Sometimes I'll stop and chat and other times I won't even look in their direction. On this day, Mr. Highwaters happened to be making his way towards me. And a few yards trailing him was Terry Funk. As we approached an adjacent hallway, Mr. Highwaters did a sidestep as if to avoid me but I was still a good 10 yards away from him. And then all of a sudden I see his shoulders moving side to side while his feet remained planted. My eyes lit up in horror. At first it looked like when a woman shakes her chest like in salsa dancing. And as I got closer, I realized that Mr. Highwaters is a beast in the wild. That corner wall was being used like a tree and he was a bear trying to scratch his back. Terry Funk witnessed my entire facial expressions sequence. I went from being normal to shocked to disgusted to amused and back to normal all in a 2 second time span. So whenever I see Terry Funk in the hallways, I immediately find the nearest wall and begin re-enacting that scene. (:

Rules Are Rules

Us guys have strict rules when it comes to restroom etiquette. No direct eye contact and no talking. Under no circumstances is it permissible to break these rules, otherwise you're gay!!!!

Well....the other day I had just come out of the stall when "Mr. Rivers" walks in and posts up at the urinal. I'm washing my hands, minding my own business, when Mr. Rivers decides to strike up a conversation with me. His back is turned to me and he decides to look over his shoulder so he can make eye contact with me as he speaks. I'm answering his questions with single word answers and trying to get out of there as fast as I can. I hate talking to people in the bathroom. So after I answer a couple questions with a simple yes or no, Mr Rivers turns his attention back to what he's supposed to be doing. Peeing. And all of a sudden....

"........Oh shiiiiiiiiiit.........."

"Sup?"

"I just pee'd on myself!!!!"

"Hahahahahaha"

I walked out laughing my ass off. And that is why you're not allowed to talk in the restroom.

Caught In The Act

So last week I was walking down the hallway on my way to grab some ice and water. I noticed someone walking behind me but I didn't really pay any attention to it. In my path was "Mr. I Only Wash My Pants Once A Month" and he stopped me dead in my tracks to tell me how ridiculous my headphones were. I didn't really listen to what he said and I responded with something stupid so I could get on my way. But him having stopped me, allowed the person who was on my tail, to catch up to me.

It was "The Sheriff".

He asked me if I was on break. I told him that I was just gonna grab some water and head back. He then asked me to step into the conference because he needed to speak with me. In private.

Uh oh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As soon as he closed the door, he said "I have something to show you..."

I looked at his crotch and said "Oh no....."

"....on the computer!"

"Whew. I thought you were gonna show me something else..."

Hahahaha. We have that kind of relationship.

So he opens up a laptop and proceeds to show me a chart. On this chart was various icons. Things like a talk bubble, an airplane, a silhouette of a woman, food, etc. He then explained what each icon represented. All these icons represented a type of website visited.

He then opened up a page that showed my computer activity throughout a typical workday. It had logged everything I've done/visited for every five minutes throughout an entire day. This was just a random day chosen too. And on that day, It was talk bubble icons everywhere. Which basically meant that I was chatting ALL DAMN DAY!!!!! Hahahaha.

Don't get me wrong. It's not like that's the only thing I do. They have records of all my work too. And I do a good job. It's just sometimes I'm waiting for things to load up and I gotta do something else while I'm waiting.

But yeah, ever since that day I haven't used the internet at work and I don't even store any music/pictures/personal files on my work comp. I learned that I have no privacy whatsoever. So for those of you reading this at work, please be careful. They're watching you....

Those of you watching......SUCK IT!!!!!!!!!!

GILF

As I was walking out of the lunch room with my food in hand, I saw her walking towards me. I smiled and she smiled back. And she said "Happy New Year!" as she passed and I said the same. I noticed she was huffin' and puffin' when she passed by. I guess she just came back from a little jog/walk.

We were going opposite directions but as she passed by me, I had to stop and watch her walk away. I turned my head and followed the movement of her hips. It was very mesmerizing, so mesmerizing that I didn't even notice that people were watching me. Hahahahaha.

"The Bald Eagle" came up to me and said "I take it you wouldn't mind givin' it to the ol' lady..."

"No sir, not at all. I would very much enjoy that..."

"Hahahaha. Well, I'll tell you what...she's on me and "The Sheriff's" Dream Team!!!!"

"Hahahaha. Mine too!"

Holy Moly

When I got into work this morning, I got an email from the HR department asking me to come to their office. The email was kinda weird. It was addressed to me like I was a friend and not an employee so I had a strange feeling about this.

Nonetheless, I went to the HR dept to see what was up. Right when I got in, he told me to have a seat. That's when I knew this was gonna be long....

"Remember for Halloween....when you dressed up as....The Savior...."

Today is Jan. 5, 2010. Halloween was like 2 or 3 months ago. I dressed up as Jesus Christ.

"Yeah...."

"Well....FYI....some people here....were a little bit offended it..."

"....."

The conversation went on about how I wasn't intentionally trying to offend anyone, but I guess he stood up for me with the people who complained and that's why the email I got was in a friendly manner and not in the usual "work tone" that I get all the time.

It was just weird for me to hear about this now. If anything, I woulda expected this conversation to happen in early November. Hahahaha. Whatever. I'll stick it to 'em next Halloween. Wait til they see my next costume. Muahahahahaha.