Stairway to Heaven

If you were a girl (a somewhat attractive one, I might add) and you wore skirt to work, especially when you work with a bunch of dudes, wouldn't you know that a bunch of heads would turn every time you passed by? Wouldn't you know heads would turn even more when you walked up the stairs? It's only a natural progression. Don't get me wrong. I enjoyed it. But I'm just sayin'....

Sharpest tool in the shed…NOT!

Man what is it about a meat head? The dude who has to show everybody “Hey look at me I’m cool and I want you to know it.” Well there’s one in our office and he is by far the most annoying co-worker ever. As a matter of fact I remember the first time I met this guy. He was very in your face…literally. He has no concept of personal space. “Hey man how’s it going? When are we going out?”

I was sitting at a burger joint enjoying my food with a buddy discussing plans to go to a local brewery when my cell phone starts ringing. I don’t see a number cuz its blocked so I ignore it. Well it rings again immediately so I answer to see who it is. I say hello and it’s the dude, “wait! How did this guy get my number?” He replies “are you gonna pick me up so we can go to the brewery?” What’s going on? Who is this dude and why does he think I’m going to pick him up from work to go to the brewery? That was our introduction and from that point I felt this guy was bad news.

You pass by this maniac at the office and he always has something to say. Don’t get me wrong the occasional hi is good, I can appreciate it, but when he says a greeting two minutes after the first you can’t help but ask yourself, “What just happen?” Why is he asking me how I’m doing when he just asked me two minutes ago? And then when you see him do it to just about everyone he comes across well then it becomes annoying.

So to sum up my case of the overly greeting in your face meathead who thinks everyone likes him, I ask my self this question. Are there anymore like him out there? If so please don’t let these guys get away with what they do.

This guy eventually got the message from me when I would stair him down with disgust when he would pass by and when I wouldn’t acknowledge him with a “Hello or a DAP or fist bump anymore. I’m sorry but I felt enough was enough. And you know what? After speaking to the majority of the office they all felt the same way about him, so that made me feel even better about the fact that this guy truly is what he is…a complete Tool!

Two In A Row

Have you ever been so lazy that you wore the same pants 2 days in a row? Pants are fine, they never really get that dirty. Not unless you sit or lean against something really dirty. Or if you shart. But other than that, you might even be able to go 3 days in a row if you work in a cubicle. Sitting down in the same chair doesn't get too messy.

But have you ever worn the same shirt two days in a row? To work? I've done in it when I've stayed at home during the summer and there was no school. But I've never done it going to work.

It's one thing to wear something two days in a row if at least it looks clean. If it's showing the wear and tear that goes on throughout the day. When they are visible signs of sweating, the noticeable funk that reeks so pungent that you need to cover it with an entire bottle of Old Spice, the collar starting to get stretched form your double chin chaffing against it, it might be time to change shirts.

If this happens once, no big deal. Maybe you got into a fight with your girl the night before and she kicked you out so you had nothing to wear. That's understandable. But when you do it every Monday and Tuesday for almost two months, it starts to become a problem. Cologne doesn't cover up dirt. Take a shower. Please. And laundry would be nice also. Thanks.

Coffee Cramps

I went to the lunch room to grab some water. I was filling up my chalice when I felt someone staring at me. So I turned my head to the side and there was an old man gazing at me while filling up his coffee cup. And as soon as I made eye contact with him, he said "You know you're getting old when coffee starts giving you stomach cramps!" And then he proceeded to laugh hysterically. I smiled and walked away. He was still talking to me as I turned my back. I didn't understand a damn word he said. I was just trying to get out of there fast.

A Bear With No Name

He sat in the office down the hall. I never really spoke to him. All I ever said was "Good morning" or "Have a good weekend" and that was it. One day there was food at the table next to his office. I stood there looking at it. He saw me. He came outside and said "I went bear hunting this weekend. I prepared this myself. Try it. It's delicious with crackers." I was intrigued at the fact that those were the most words he's ever said to me and the fact that there was bear meat a few inches from my hand. So I grabbed a chunk of bear meat and a couple crackers and thanked him and walked back to my desk.

I took a bite. I thought about the flavors in my mouth. The texture, the taste, the smell. It was disgusting. I spit it out and ate as much crackers I could to get that nasty flavor out of my mouth. I can't really describe the taste of it. It was almost like a hamburger patty that had been left out on the kitchen for a week. The texture was kinda like a rubbery meatloaf. The smell was horrible.

But I am glad to tell people that I've tasted bear. And I never talked to that guy ever again. His office got moved.