Management Door #3

So I was in my office(aka the restroom) and I was handling some paperwork when it sounded like a bunch of people walked in. It sounded like 3 people. Well, my office has 1 urinal, 1 stall, and 1 handicap stall. I was in the stall and I could see someone's feet at the urinal. I'm assuming someone was in the handicap stall because there was someone who was trying to open the door I was in. He tried to push the door I was in. Locked! And then I heard him try the handicap stall and that too was locked. He came back to my stall and tried to look under the door. I lifted my feet up so he wouldn't see me. I was scared.

And then the unthinkable happened. Never in a million years did I think this would happen. At least not to me. You know how the doors have a little gap in them? Yeah....I saw him peeking through it. I felt so violated. I wanted to wipe my ass and then throw it at him.

Later on that day, we had some of the Management team visiting from Seattle, going around and seeing what we were doing. Guess what? I recognized one of them....

Bareback Scratcher

Everyday I walk down the halls and occasionally I'll run into people I know. Sometimes I'll stop and chat and other times I won't even look in their direction. On this day, Mr. Highwaters happened to be making his way towards me. And a few yards trailing him was Terry Funk. As we approached an adjacent hallway, Mr. Highwaters did a sidestep as if to avoid me but I was still a good 10 yards away from him. And then all of a sudden I see his shoulders moving side to side while his feet remained planted. My eyes lit up in horror. At first it looked like when a woman shakes her chest like in salsa dancing. And as I got closer, I realized that Mr. Highwaters is a beast in the wild. That corner wall was being used like a tree and he was a bear trying to scratch his back. Terry Funk witnessed my entire facial expressions sequence. I went from being normal to shocked to disgusted to amused and back to normal all in a 2 second time span. So whenever I see Terry Funk in the hallways, I immediately find the nearest wall and begin re-enacting that scene. (:

Rules Are Rules

Us guys have strict rules when it comes to restroom etiquette. No direct eye contact and no talking. Under no circumstances is it permissible to break these rules, otherwise you're gay!!!!

Well....the other day I had just come out of the stall when "Mr. Rivers" walks in and posts up at the urinal. I'm washing my hands, minding my own business, when Mr. Rivers decides to strike up a conversation with me. His back is turned to me and he decides to look over his shoulder so he can make eye contact with me as he speaks. I'm answering his questions with single word answers and trying to get out of there as fast as I can. I hate talking to people in the bathroom. So after I answer a couple questions with a simple yes or no, Mr Rivers turns his attention back to what he's supposed to be doing. Peeing. And all of a sudden....

"........Oh shiiiiiiiiiit.........."

"Sup?"

"I just pee'd on myself!!!!"

"Hahahahahaha"

I walked out laughing my ass off. And that is why you're not allowed to talk in the restroom.

Caught In The Act

So last week I was walking down the hallway on my way to grab some ice and water. I noticed someone walking behind me but I didn't really pay any attention to it. In my path was "Mr. I Only Wash My Pants Once A Month" and he stopped me dead in my tracks to tell me how ridiculous my headphones were. I didn't really listen to what he said and I responded with something stupid so I could get on my way. But him having stopped me, allowed the person who was on my tail, to catch up to me.

It was "The Sheriff".

He asked me if I was on break. I told him that I was just gonna grab some water and head back. He then asked me to step into the conference because he needed to speak with me. In private.

Uh oh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As soon as he closed the door, he said "I have something to show you..."

I looked at his crotch and said "Oh no....."

"....on the computer!"

"Whew. I thought you were gonna show me something else..."

Hahahaha. We have that kind of relationship.

So he opens up a laptop and proceeds to show me a chart. On this chart was various icons. Things like a talk bubble, an airplane, a silhouette of a woman, food, etc. He then explained what each icon represented. All these icons represented a type of website visited.

He then opened up a page that showed my computer activity throughout a typical workday. It had logged everything I've done/visited for every five minutes throughout an entire day. This was just a random day chosen too. And on that day, It was talk bubble icons everywhere. Which basically meant that I was chatting ALL DAMN DAY!!!!! Hahahaha.

Don't get me wrong. It's not like that's the only thing I do. They have records of all my work too. And I do a good job. It's just sometimes I'm waiting for things to load up and I gotta do something else while I'm waiting.

But yeah, ever since that day I haven't used the internet at work and I don't even store any music/pictures/personal files on my work comp. I learned that I have no privacy whatsoever. So for those of you reading this at work, please be careful. They're watching you....

Those of you watching......SUCK IT!!!!!!!!!!

GILF

As I was walking out of the lunch room with my food in hand, I saw her walking towards me. I smiled and she smiled back. And she said "Happy New Year!" as she passed and I said the same. I noticed she was huffin' and puffin' when she passed by. I guess she just came back from a little jog/walk.

We were going opposite directions but as she passed by me, I had to stop and watch her walk away. I turned my head and followed the movement of her hips. It was very mesmerizing, so mesmerizing that I didn't even notice that people were watching me. Hahahahaha.

"The Bald Eagle" came up to me and said "I take it you wouldn't mind givin' it to the ol' lady..."

"No sir, not at all. I would very much enjoy that..."

"Hahahaha. Well, I'll tell you what...she's on me and "The Sheriff's" Dream Team!!!!"

"Hahahaha. Mine too!"

Holy Moly

When I got into work this morning, I got an email from the HR department asking me to come to their office. The email was kinda weird. It was addressed to me like I was a friend and not an employee so I had a strange feeling about this.

Nonetheless, I went to the HR dept to see what was up. Right when I got in, he told me to have a seat. That's when I knew this was gonna be long....

"Remember for Halloween....when you dressed up as....The Savior...."

Today is Jan. 5, 2010. Halloween was like 2 or 3 months ago. I dressed up as Jesus Christ.

"Yeah...."

"Well....FYI....some people here....were a little bit offended it..."

"....."

The conversation went on about how I wasn't intentionally trying to offend anyone, but I guess he stood up for me with the people who complained and that's why the email I got was in a friendly manner and not in the usual "work tone" that I get all the time.

It was just weird for me to hear about this now. If anything, I woulda expected this conversation to happen in early November. Hahahaha. Whatever. I'll stick it to 'em next Halloween. Wait til they see my next costume. Muahahahahaha.

Aussie Treats

So one of my cubicle mates went to Australia last week. When he came back, he brought back some candy to share with us. One of them was some Macadamia Nut clusters and the other was some Maltesers (which is kinda like whoppers). But the Macadamia Nut candy had a red and gold package and I happened to have something that was in a gold "package" as well. So logic tells me to slip this gold "package" in there so a lucky person gets the special surprise.

This morning "Mr. Clean" decided to grab a Macadamia Nut cluster since he saw me eating one. He reached into the bag and got the "package". He held it in the air and said "Is this a condom?"

And I said "No, it's Australian candy. And It's delicious!!!!"

And here comes "Ms. America" and she sees Mr. Clean holding something up and I said it was delicious. So Mr. Clean hands it to her and says to try it. Hahahaha. She's holding it in her hand asking what it is. And after about 2 seconds, she realizes what it is and tries to
dispose of it as fast as she can.

I only wish someone from upper management passed by at that very moment. Hahahahaha.

Kobe’s Defense:

Guys can wear the same pair of pants day after day…its well known that guys get dirty and they’re not into cleanliness all that much. Then in comes the Metro sexual, they have hang-ups when it comes to cleanliness and hygiene. Now granted I play sports but I’m really self conscious about my smells especially if I go a whole day sitting on my ass in the same spot for 8 hours. If you don’t think stuff oozes out your body and in which your clothes happen to absorb it then you need to check out discovery channel or something.

Now why do we change shirts? Could this be because they are closer to our nose area where we can smell them? Or is it because it’s more visible to others when we make eye contact and have conversations? Hmmmmmmmm, I think both. Now pants on the other hand are low away from vision and smell but it’s an area that involves a lot of movement and quite frankly people’s junk. Granted you have underwear on but its cotton not a sham wow so some stuff makes it way to the pants.

Terry Funk may not represent the before mentioned but boys and girls the same pants for almost a week shows me a lot about that persons hygiene. If you have a job buy clothes and do laundry but if you don’t care about appearance or our senses then you won’t be offended here. So next time your shnoz picks up some smell in the air that doesn’t smell like food but causes you to say ew. It may be you or it may be the coworkers who wear the same thing everyday. Lets not be lazy, but I’m beginning to understand Howie Mandell or any germ-a-phobe out there. PS cologne will not hide the smell either so don’t shower in it.

Divine Intervention

So I was walking to the lunch room to grab some milk for my cereal when I ran into someone. It was a "fine wine". I opened the door and she was standing right there. It was like God meant for this to happen. Thank you God. I walked through and held the door open for her. I just smiled and didn't say a word. And as she passed under the doorway she stopped dead in her tracks and started laughing. She then turned around to look at me, still laughing, and I was still smiling and she tried to utter some words in between her laughs.

"You know.....your costume....for Halloween...." And she placed her hand on my shoulder. It felt like heaven. Her touch was soft and delicate and I can only imagine how that hand would feel if she touched me somewhere else. "...it was DIVINE!" And she said all this in between her laughs. And I laughed too as she finished that little sentence that was so hard for her to utter out.

"Why, thank you!" I said after I laughed.

Oh, and by the way, I dressed as Jesus Christ on Halloween, for those of you who didn't understand the reference(s) above.

I turned around and headed to the lunch room and almost forgot the reason I went there in the first place. This totally made my day. As little as it was, it left a lasting impression on me. The "fine wine" is a total sweetheart and that makes me in love with her even more.

I didn't think she even knew I existed but now I might have to make some visits to go see her and chit chat.

Guerilla Tactics

"Quasimodo" likes to go around the building and just collect empty cans off of people's desks. Well, he made a stop at the desk of "Mr. Anger Management" and grabbed the energy drink from his desk. He grabbed it from the top, with his fingers around the opening of the can. Thing is, Mr. Anger Management was not finished with his drink and Quasimodo just touched his drink with his dirty, grimy fingers.

You have no idea how pissed Mr. Anger Management was. His drink was pretty much full but after Quasimodo touched the rim of his drink, he refused to even touch it. He tossed a nearly full energy drink in the trash. And Mr. Anger Management lives off of energy drinks, since he works two jobs and needs it to help stay awake. Now he was running on Anger. Hahahahaha.

This happened a few months ago and a lot of people leave their empty cans/bottle on the side of their desk for Quasimodo to come and pick up. And in protest of Quasimodo touching his drink, Mr. Anger Management has decided to throw every empty can/bottle that he sees in to a trash can. So that way Quasimodo has to dig through trash in order to find his gold.

And in protest to Mr. Anger Management's guerilla tactics, I have decided that every empty can/bottle I see, I go and place it on Mr. Anger Management's desk every day after he leaves. Muahahahahaha.

Understatement

Kobe and John Stockton were having a discussion.

Kobe: Oahu is an island.

John Stockton: I'll f*ck an island!!!

The End.

Same Shiite, Different Toilet

So "Kobe" happened to notice that "Terry Funk" had been rockin' the same pair of jeans for the past 4 days and he began to complain to me about it. It was on a Thurs and then Fri...and then Mon and Tues came around it was still the same pair. That's not odd to me. Terry Funk could have done laundry over the weekend and decided to wear the same pair again. I've worn jeans two days in a row so it was no big deal to me.

So we decided to ask for a female perspective about the jeans situation. And the verdict was: No big deal.

It was still trippin' out Kobe so we decided to ask a few more people. And the verdict was: same thing, no big deal.

I mean, we sit down on a chair all day. You can't get THAT dirty from just sitting down. If you happened to go running in those jeans and wore them again the next day, I'd think it was a problem. When you start sweating profusely, there's gonna be some funk that comes along with that so that's when it would be wise to change.

I mean, we still don't know the reason Terry Funk is rockin' the same pair for how many days in a row now. Maybe Terry Funk hooked up with some chick and never made it back to their place so they have to rock the same jeans and they happen to have an extra shirt in their car for emergency purposes. Or maybe they do laundry everyday?

Verdict: Kobe has a case of Mysophobia.

Peace!

I went down to the lunch room to grab some ice and as I turned the corner, I saw some guy who likes to talk to me for some reason. He talks to me like he knows me. Like we're best friends. I don't even know the dude's name. Heck, I don't even like seeing him.

But when I turned the corner he was like 2 feet away from me. And then he decides to throw up the peace sign. Not like chuckin' up the deuces where your 2 fingers are pointed to the side. This was the peace sign that Asian tourists do in every picture. Dude....if you're that close to me, hit me with the pound or something. Peace signs are for when you see someone you know and they're like 50 yards away.

Skate Or Die

As I was leaving the office the other day, I saw some dude skating down the hill. I thought to myself "This fool is going super fast. How crazy would it be if he ate it right now...." And as he's crossing the stoplight, he looks over his shoulder for oncoming cars because he was skating in the street. I guess he noticed a few cars coming along so he decided to hop onto the sidewalk.

And as soon as I see him making his way to the sideway, all of sudden I didn't see him anymore. The next thing I saw was a bunch of leaves fly in the air and a pair of feet sticking out of some bushes. And I saw his board sliding about 100 yards away from him.

I wanted to laugh because I imagined this very scenario happening in my head but I couldn't do it until I saw him get up. I wanted to make sure he wasn't seriously hurt cuz it would be bad if he never got up and I was cracking up.

I eventually saw him get up and I eventually laughed.

Camel Burri(toe)

From my peripheral vision, I saw someone eating a burrito. They took a big bite out of it and chewed loudly. I could hear the saliva mixing in with the bits and pieces of food being mashed together to form a pasty substance. From the sounds of it, that burrito was delicious. I can't really smell anything because I'm sick but it looked like it was really good.

In that open spot where they took a big bite, salsa was being added to the mix. Too much salsa was poured in and it started to trickle down the side of the burrito. The salsa was dripping slowly and making it's way to the owner's hand. And mere seconds before the salsa could make contact with skin, I saw the burrito get pulled in close to the mouth and a tongue dart out just in time. This person licked from the base of the burrito all way to the end. And once they reached the tip, they englufed that delicious goodness in their entire mouth. Another big bite and I couldn't help but laugh.

I could tell that it's not only burritos that they use this technique on. Their form was very refined and on point. Oh man, I wish I didn't see that...

Pull Out!

"Mr. Whispers" was telling us about his weekend Vegas trip and I wasn't really paying attention because he's kinda religious and doesn't do any crazy stuff. But he was telling the other guys in our cube some story and then he said something like "Man, I shoulda pulled out...." and that got my attention right away.

My ears perked up and my eyes got big and I now became engaged in this conversation. Those magic words got me interested. I didn't think Mr. Whispers would do anything crazy...but I guess I was wrong.

So I said to him "Dude.....always pull out. ALWAYS!"

And "The Indian Chief" turns around, and as he was laughing, he says "Every time you don't pull out, you end up losing money. A lot of money."

"Yeah, you gotta pull out early. No matter what the situation is. Just learn to pull out. That's what guys don't know how to do..."

"You can't enjoy the whole ride."

Mr. Whispers continued with his story. He was talking about gambling at the blackjack table and we were talking about something else. I don't think he noticed. Muahahahahahahaha.

The Resident MILF

I was walking to the lunch room to go wash my cereal bowl when I ran into The Resident MILF. I was staring directly at her, as we made our way closer to one another, and she made eye contact with me. It was like love at first sight. Our eyes met and I smiled. She smiled back. And right as our shoulders passed, she stopped and said "Hey...."

My heart stopped at the sound of this. Had my dreams come true? Was she gonna ask me to join her in the copy room?

"...I saw the pictures from the basketball tournament."

I blushed and said "Oh wow. Hahahaha. It was a good time."

"I liked your guys' uniforms. Was that your idea?"

"Yeah....I figured none of us were really that good in basketball so if weren't gonna win it all...we might as well as look good! Style points!"

"Hahahahaha. I love that. Good for you guys."

Well, we went on with our conversation about basketball and I mentioned that I wanted her on my team. She laughed at this and said she didn't really play. Perfect. We just gotta look good then. And she already has that part down.

Our conversation probably only last 5 minutes but to me it felt like an eternity. We parted ways and I watched her walk away. I loved the way her hips swayed side to side when she walked. It was like her hips were telling me to follow her....

Stealth Mode

Over the course of a week and a half, I printed out a novel that I had on PDF. This book was 339 pages long and I printed out 30 pages at a time. I didn't want to be THAT GUY that hogs the printer so I did it in small chunks.

Today I was reading that novel and "The Thing" comes by and starts asking me about it. So I'm telling him about it and what not and he asks me if I have the PDF with me. I should have said no but I wasn't thinking properly and said yeah. So I gave him a copy and I thought he was just gonna read it on his comp. Boy, was I wrong.

After about 5 minutes, I heard the printer go off. And it kept running. For about 20 minutes. Other people had actual work to print out and here is this guy printing out 339 pages. And I happen to sit next to the printer. And everyone who needs to print something is looking at me like I was the one who printed this.

Eff that guy. He set me up. Now imma take the heat for that....

Not Quite Shorts, Not Quite Pants

So during the company softball tournament, there was one cat who stood out from the rest. Pretty much everyone on our team was in their early or mid 20's so we we're all pretty young and hip and up to date with fashion and proper public attire and what not. But I guess this cat didn't get the memo.

You know how old people don't know how to dress and they wear clothes that don't really fit them that well? Have you ever seen old people wear pants that rode too high so it showed their socks all the time? Hahahahaha. You would think someone in their mid 20's would realize a fashion faux pas such as this. Yeah, this guy did that.

Everyone on the team wore shorts that day. It was a hot day. Too hot to wear pants. I guess this is what that guy was thinking also but he didn't own a pair of shorts. So he decided to wear pants that were highwaters. Not quite shorts and not quite pants. SHPANTS!

I even asked him why he decided to wear "pants" since it was so hot and his response was "Well, I work out so much that it doesn't even bother me. I do sprints all the time so this is like nothing..."

Saved By The.....Deli?

So me and "Mr. Belding" went out to Sunrise Deli for lunch today. It was a beautiful day and we just needed to get out of the office. It gets a little kooky just sitting down for 8 hours straight and just staring at a lifeless screen. We just needed a change of scenery and some human interaction. So as we're walking in to the deli, there were these two girl who looked like they just came from or were headed to the beach. They had their little neon bikini tops glowing out of their wifebeaters. And me and Mr. Belding just look at each other and nodded in approval. And as we got closer to the front of the line, a girl in a black dress walks in. I'm using my peripheral vision but I could tell this girl was wearing a dress that's see-thru in the sun. I could already see the outline of her thong.

I paid for my food and headed to the back to wait. And then I see another girl, a red head with curly hair, walk up to the black dress and start talking to her. And Mr. Belding joins me waiting in the back and I say "We might have to eat here..." Not a minute later, a Persian cutie walks in. Mr. Belding turns to me and says "We picked the right time to come here."

I've been to the deli plenty of time but I've never seen so many girls, good looking girls, in there at the same time. Needless to say, me and Mr. Belding enjoyed our lunch at the deli today. I didn't even have to use my AK. I got to say it was a good day.