Aussie Treats

So one of my cubicle mates went to Australia last week. When he came back, he brought back some candy to share with us. One of them was some Macadamia Nut clusters and the other was some Maltesers (which is kinda like whoppers). But the Macadamia Nut candy had a red and gold package and I happened to have something that was in a gold "package" as well. So logic tells me to slip this gold "package" in there so a lucky person gets the special surprise.

This morning "Mr. Clean" decided to grab a Macadamia Nut cluster since he saw me eating one. He reached into the bag and got the "package". He held it in the air and said "Is this a condom?"

And I said "No, it's Australian candy. And It's delicious!!!!"

And here comes "Ms. America" and she sees Mr. Clean holding something up and I said it was delicious. So Mr. Clean hands it to her and says to try it. Hahahaha. She's holding it in her hand asking what it is. And after about 2 seconds, she realizes what it is and tries to
dispose of it as fast as she can.

I only wish someone from upper management passed by at that very moment. Hahahahaha.

Kobe’s Defense:

Guys can wear the same pair of pants day after day…its well known that guys get dirty and they’re not into cleanliness all that much. Then in comes the Metro sexual, they have hang-ups when it comes to cleanliness and hygiene. Now granted I play sports but I’m really self conscious about my smells especially if I go a whole day sitting on my ass in the same spot for 8 hours. If you don’t think stuff oozes out your body and in which your clothes happen to absorb it then you need to check out discovery channel or something.

Now why do we change shirts? Could this be because they are closer to our nose area where we can smell them? Or is it because it’s more visible to others when we make eye contact and have conversations? Hmmmmmmmm, I think both. Now pants on the other hand are low away from vision and smell but it’s an area that involves a lot of movement and quite frankly people’s junk. Granted you have underwear on but its cotton not a sham wow so some stuff makes it way to the pants.

Terry Funk may not represent the before mentioned but boys and girls the same pants for almost a week shows me a lot about that persons hygiene. If you have a job buy clothes and do laundry but if you don’t care about appearance or our senses then you won’t be offended here. So next time your shnoz picks up some smell in the air that doesn’t smell like food but causes you to say ew. It may be you or it may be the coworkers who wear the same thing everyday. Lets not be lazy, but I’m beginning to understand Howie Mandell or any germ-a-phobe out there. PS cologne will not hide the smell either so don’t shower in it.

Divine Intervention

So I was walking to the lunch room to grab some milk for my cereal when I ran into someone. It was a "fine wine". I opened the door and she was standing right there. It was like God meant for this to happen. Thank you God. I walked through and held the door open for her. I just smiled and didn't say a word. And as she passed under the doorway she stopped dead in her tracks and started laughing. She then turned around to look at me, still laughing, and I was still smiling and she tried to utter some words in between her laughs.

"You know.....your costume....for Halloween...." And she placed her hand on my shoulder. It felt like heaven. Her touch was soft and delicate and I can only imagine how that hand would feel if she touched me somewhere else. "...it was DIVINE!" And she said all this in between her laughs. And I laughed too as she finished that little sentence that was so hard for her to utter out.

"Why, thank you!" I said after I laughed.

Oh, and by the way, I dressed as Jesus Christ on Halloween, for those of you who didn't understand the reference(s) above.

I turned around and headed to the lunch room and almost forgot the reason I went there in the first place. This totally made my day. As little as it was, it left a lasting impression on me. The "fine wine" is a total sweetheart and that makes me in love with her even more.

I didn't think she even knew I existed but now I might have to make some visits to go see her and chit chat.

Guerilla Tactics

"Quasimodo" likes to go around the building and just collect empty cans off of people's desks. Well, he made a stop at the desk of "Mr. Anger Management" and grabbed the energy drink from his desk. He grabbed it from the top, with his fingers around the opening of the can. Thing is, Mr. Anger Management was not finished with his drink and Quasimodo just touched his drink with his dirty, grimy fingers.

You have no idea how pissed Mr. Anger Management was. His drink was pretty much full but after Quasimodo touched the rim of his drink, he refused to even touch it. He tossed a nearly full energy drink in the trash. And Mr. Anger Management lives off of energy drinks, since he works two jobs and needs it to help stay awake. Now he was running on Anger. Hahahahaha.

This happened a few months ago and a lot of people leave their empty cans/bottle on the side of their desk for Quasimodo to come and pick up. And in protest of Quasimodo touching his drink, Mr. Anger Management has decided to throw every empty can/bottle that he sees in to a trash can. So that way Quasimodo has to dig through trash in order to find his gold.

And in protest to Mr. Anger Management's guerilla tactics, I have decided that every empty can/bottle I see, I go and place it on Mr. Anger Management's desk every day after he leaves. Muahahahahaha.

Understatement

Kobe and John Stockton were having a discussion.

Kobe: Oahu is an island.

John Stockton: I'll f*ck an island!!!

The End.

Same Shiite, Different Toilet

So "Kobe" happened to notice that "Terry Funk" had been rockin' the same pair of jeans for the past 4 days and he began to complain to me about it. It was on a Thurs and then Fri...and then Mon and Tues came around it was still the same pair. That's not odd to me. Terry Funk could have done laundry over the weekend and decided to wear the same pair again. I've worn jeans two days in a row so it was no big deal to me.

So we decided to ask for a female perspective about the jeans situation. And the verdict was: No big deal.

It was still trippin' out Kobe so we decided to ask a few more people. And the verdict was: same thing, no big deal.

I mean, we sit down on a chair all day. You can't get THAT dirty from just sitting down. If you happened to go running in those jeans and wore them again the next day, I'd think it was a problem. When you start sweating profusely, there's gonna be some funk that comes along with that so that's when it would be wise to change.

I mean, we still don't know the reason Terry Funk is rockin' the same pair for how many days in a row now. Maybe Terry Funk hooked up with some chick and never made it back to their place so they have to rock the same jeans and they happen to have an extra shirt in their car for emergency purposes. Or maybe they do laundry everyday?

Verdict: Kobe has a case of Mysophobia.

Peace!

I went down to the lunch room to grab some ice and as I turned the corner, I saw some guy who likes to talk to me for some reason. He talks to me like he knows me. Like we're best friends. I don't even know the dude's name. Heck, I don't even like seeing him.

But when I turned the corner he was like 2 feet away from me. And then he decides to throw up the peace sign. Not like chuckin' up the deuces where your 2 fingers are pointed to the side. This was the peace sign that Asian tourists do in every picture. Dude....if you're that close to me, hit me with the pound or something. Peace signs are for when you see someone you know and they're like 50 yards away.

Skate Or Die

As I was leaving the office the other day, I saw some dude skating down the hill. I thought to myself "This fool is going super fast. How crazy would it be if he ate it right now...." And as he's crossing the stoplight, he looks over his shoulder for oncoming cars because he was skating in the street. I guess he noticed a few cars coming along so he decided to hop onto the sidewalk.

And as soon as I see him making his way to the sideway, all of sudden I didn't see him anymore. The next thing I saw was a bunch of leaves fly in the air and a pair of feet sticking out of some bushes. And I saw his board sliding about 100 yards away from him.

I wanted to laugh because I imagined this very scenario happening in my head but I couldn't do it until I saw him get up. I wanted to make sure he wasn't seriously hurt cuz it would be bad if he never got up and I was cracking up.

I eventually saw him get up and I eventually laughed.

Camel Burri(toe)

From my peripheral vision, I saw someone eating a burrito. They took a big bite out of it and chewed loudly. I could hear the saliva mixing in with the bits and pieces of food being mashed together to form a pasty substance. From the sounds of it, that burrito was delicious. I can't really smell anything because I'm sick but it looked like it was really good.

In that open spot where they took a big bite, salsa was being added to the mix. Too much salsa was poured in and it started to trickle down the side of the burrito. The salsa was dripping slowly and making it's way to the owner's hand. And mere seconds before the salsa could make contact with skin, I saw the burrito get pulled in close to the mouth and a tongue dart out just in time. This person licked from the base of the burrito all way to the end. And once they reached the tip, they englufed that delicious goodness in their entire mouth. Another big bite and I couldn't help but laugh.

I could tell that it's not only burritos that they use this technique on. Their form was very refined and on point. Oh man, I wish I didn't see that...

Pull Out!

"Mr. Whispers" was telling us about his weekend Vegas trip and I wasn't really paying attention because he's kinda religious and doesn't do any crazy stuff. But he was telling the other guys in our cube some story and then he said something like "Man, I shoulda pulled out...." and that got my attention right away.

My ears perked up and my eyes got big and I now became engaged in this conversation. Those magic words got me interested. I didn't think Mr. Whispers would do anything crazy...but I guess I was wrong.

So I said to him "Dude.....always pull out. ALWAYS!"

And "The Indian Chief" turns around, and as he was laughing, he says "Every time you don't pull out, you end up losing money. A lot of money."

"Yeah, you gotta pull out early. No matter what the situation is. Just learn to pull out. That's what guys don't know how to do..."

"You can't enjoy the whole ride."

Mr. Whispers continued with his story. He was talking about gambling at the blackjack table and we were talking about something else. I don't think he noticed. Muahahahahahahaha.

The Resident MILF

I was walking to the lunch room to go wash my cereal bowl when I ran into The Resident MILF. I was staring directly at her, as we made our way closer to one another, and she made eye contact with me. It was like love at first sight. Our eyes met and I smiled. She smiled back. And right as our shoulders passed, she stopped and said "Hey...."

My heart stopped at the sound of this. Had my dreams come true? Was she gonna ask me to join her in the copy room?

"...I saw the pictures from the basketball tournament."

I blushed and said "Oh wow. Hahahaha. It was a good time."

"I liked your guys' uniforms. Was that your idea?"

"Yeah....I figured none of us were really that good in basketball so if weren't gonna win it all...we might as well as look good! Style points!"

"Hahahahaha. I love that. Good for you guys."

Well, we went on with our conversation about basketball and I mentioned that I wanted her on my team. She laughed at this and said she didn't really play. Perfect. We just gotta look good then. And she already has that part down.

Our conversation probably only last 5 minutes but to me it felt like an eternity. We parted ways and I watched her walk away. I loved the way her hips swayed side to side when she walked. It was like her hips were telling me to follow her....

Stealth Mode

Over the course of a week and a half, I printed out a novel that I had on PDF. This book was 339 pages long and I printed out 30 pages at a time. I didn't want to be THAT GUY that hogs the printer so I did it in small chunks.

Today I was reading that novel and "The Thing" comes by and starts asking me about it. So I'm telling him about it and what not and he asks me if I have the PDF with me. I should have said no but I wasn't thinking properly and said yeah. So I gave him a copy and I thought he was just gonna read it on his comp. Boy, was I wrong.

After about 5 minutes, I heard the printer go off. And it kept running. For about 20 minutes. Other people had actual work to print out and here is this guy printing out 339 pages. And I happen to sit next to the printer. And everyone who needs to print something is looking at me like I was the one who printed this.

Eff that guy. He set me up. Now imma take the heat for that....

Not Quite Shorts, Not Quite Pants

So during the company softball tournament, there was one cat who stood out from the rest. Pretty much everyone on our team was in their early or mid 20's so we we're all pretty young and hip and up to date with fashion and proper public attire and what not. But I guess this cat didn't get the memo.

You know how old people don't know how to dress and they wear clothes that don't really fit them that well? Have you ever seen old people wear pants that rode too high so it showed their socks all the time? Hahahahaha. You would think someone in their mid 20's would realize a fashion faux pas such as this. Yeah, this guy did that.

Everyone on the team wore shorts that day. It was a hot day. Too hot to wear pants. I guess this is what that guy was thinking also but he didn't own a pair of shorts. So he decided to wear pants that were highwaters. Not quite shorts and not quite pants. SHPANTS!

I even asked him why he decided to wear "pants" since it was so hot and his response was "Well, I work out so much that it doesn't even bother me. I do sprints all the time so this is like nothing..."

Saved By The.....Deli?

So me and "Mr. Belding" went out to Sunrise Deli for lunch today. It was a beautiful day and we just needed to get out of the office. It gets a little kooky just sitting down for 8 hours straight and just staring at a lifeless screen. We just needed a change of scenery and some human interaction. So as we're walking in to the deli, there were these two girl who looked like they just came from or were headed to the beach. They had their little neon bikini tops glowing out of their wifebeaters. And me and Mr. Belding just look at each other and nodded in approval. And as we got closer to the front of the line, a girl in a black dress walks in. I'm using my peripheral vision but I could tell this girl was wearing a dress that's see-thru in the sun. I could already see the outline of her thong.

I paid for my food and headed to the back to wait. And then I see another girl, a red head with curly hair, walk up to the black dress and start talking to her. And Mr. Belding joins me waiting in the back and I say "We might have to eat here..." Not a minute later, a Persian cutie walks in. Mr. Belding turns to me and says "We picked the right time to come here."

I've been to the deli plenty of time but I've never seen so many girls, good looking girls, in there at the same time. Needless to say, me and Mr. Belding enjoyed our lunch at the deli today. I didn't even have to use my AK. I got to say it was a good day.

One Way

A while back on a business trip to the Great Northwest with "Mr. President" and "Mr. Brown-Nose", we were cruising the streets of downtown Seattle just lookin for a place to eat. We were walking down the street towards the Space Needle when we notice a guy running full speed about to pass us. We were on the sidewalk and he started to go into the street to pass us up. I saw him look over his shoulder to see if cars were passing through and he started to run across the street. Well, while his head was turned over his shoulder, there was this car that was approaching him from his front side. And as he turned his head back around he noticed the car in front of him. He was running full speed and probably 2 seconds away from getting ran over. He even put his hands on the hood of the car to stop his momentum. Oh, did I mention that this was a one way street and he was running against traffic? Muahahahahaha. This happened maybe 10 ft away from us and I was cracking up so loud. I'm sure he heard me. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

PopSUCKle

It was a hot summer day and the AC wasn't on in my cubicle. So I got up just for the hell of it and "Tiger Ali" happened to pass by. He strutted down the hallway with a popsicle in hand. I stared at him wondering where the eff he got a damn popsicle. The office was steaming hot and I wanted one too. And as he passed by me, I'm pretty sure he noticed me staring at the damn popsicle. So as he's walking away, he turns around to face me and licks the popsicle from the base all the way to the tip. He did this very slowly and he never disengaged eye contact with me. I started cracking up and he didn't say one word. He just walked away eating his popsicle. WOW.

Fine Wine

You ever see those people who dress waaaaay too young for their own good? It's like when a 40 yr old woman tries to wear something skanky that her 20 yr old daughter would wear. Well, we kinda have that in the office but this lady actually pulls it off. I'm guessing she's around 60 yrs old but hot damn she is lookin' good. Aged to perfection, like a fine wine. She dresses very classy and if you just saw her from the neck down you'd think she's in her late 20's or maybe early 30's. Every time I see her I can't help but smile(and jizz in my pants). Just the way she carries herself, she has so much confidence and it turns me on. I would love it when my wife is 60 yrs old and she's turning on guys that are 40 yrs younger than her.

Splatterhouse 5

I saw "The Executive" walking all super fast down the hallway. He seemed extra eager to get to his destination. I was kinda curious to where he was going....but I lost him after he passed through the door. Oh well.

So I walk to my destination, the bathroom, and get a pleasant surprise. Right when I opened the door I heard one of the loudest farts I have ever heard. And accompanying that was the sound of splatters hitting porcelain. I swear that everything that came out of this person didn't even hit the water. It just straight up stuck to the inner rim. Never in my life have I witnessed something as glorious as this. I was seriously impressed.

I'm going pee and I'm expecting to hear more splatters. But no! All I hear is the roll of toilet paper being pulled and homeboy walks out. I'm still peeing here. And guess who it was? Yup! The Executive. I walked into that bathroom 10 seconds are he did. It probably took me 20 seconds to pee. And within that time span, homeboy was able to unleash a mad food baby! No wonder he was walking so fast.

Food baby in 30 seconds!!! I've never witnessed that type of speed combined with such ferocious explosiveness. That's championship material if you ask me. The heart of a champion...or should I say the a$$ of a champion!

Mr. F*ck Up

This is a fresh one. This happened today and I'm still reeling from it.

"Mr. Anger Management" called me over to his desk today to look at some work. He then proceeded to ask me if this was wrong. I took a look at it and confirmed with him that the work we were looking at was absolutely wrong. And then he tells me that this was my work. He shows me the files and it has my name on it. And then I told him I don't remember doing that. He proceeds to tell me "We can't be releasing things if they're wrong. You need to go back and fix it." I asked him if he altered my file because I never did those changes and he got a little defensive and reiterated that it was my name on who modified the file last. I even asked him why he had my file open. He said he was reviewing things similar to mine and he just wanted to see how I did it.

I was starting to shiite bricks a little bit because sometimes I am wrong and I don't catch it. But this was a big mistake and usually I catch things like that. So I go back to my desk and look at the files and guess what? They're right. My files look correct. WTF?!?!?

So I go back to Mr. Anger Management and tell him my files are correct and that he probably opened the wrong file. So he opens my file again and guess what? My shiite is not wrong! And then he tries to tell me some story about how there's multiple ways of doing this. Yeah....there are. But the end result is the same. Man up and admit you made a mistake. It happens. This isn't the first time he's done this to me. Or other people as well. This is actually a daily occurrence. His nickname should be "Mr. F*ck Up".

Give It To Me

It was just a regular day at the office and not that many people were around. It was just me, "Ms. Jaeger" and a few other people so it was pretty quiet. Ms. Jaeger joined me in my cubicle for some non-work activities.

I had something good in my hand and I saw her eye f*cking it. I knew she wanted a piece so I said "What are you waiting for?"

"I dunno, I'm scared...it's just looks so...pink!"

"Here....just close your eyes and tilt your head back. Now, open your mouth. Imma stick it in...."

"Mmmmmm! Oh my god! I want some more...."

A head from the next cubicle over pops up and look directly at us. It's "Mr. Drudge" and he asks "What are you guys doing? It sounds very inappropriate from over here!!!"

I look at Ms. Jaeger and then back at Mr. Drudge and say "What are talking about?"

"Close your eyes? Tilt your head back? Open your mouth?"

Me and Ms. Jaeger look at each other and immediately begin cracking up. We didn't even realize that it sounded that way. I was just eating a burrito and I was offering her some. She declined cuz of the way it looked but once she tasted it, she wanted more. Hahahahahaha.